Lots and lots and lots of sex.

Make-up Sex: the act of engaging in sexual intercourse directly following a hideous dispute. The passion tends to be quite high at times like these, making the sex all the more enjoyable. This type of sex is strictly for couples and works best if the couple doesn’t get along. It is ideal if the relationship is unstable, for this will ensure lots of make-up sex.

Break-up Sex: penetration after a break-up. Break-up sex is unique because, at the time, it gets treated as the very last poke between the couple. However, directly following the act, both participants are likely to break down in hysterical moans (in the form of sadness) because the sex was so spectacular they can’t help but question the very break-up that sparked the sex. However, if the break-up survives the break-up sex there will later be.

Sex with the Ex: Enough said.

Group Sex: when a female passes herself around an entire specialized group of people like an athletic team, a Fraternity or a club of some sort. She gives every individual a ride, maybe in front of the rest, maybe not. Maybe in one sitting, maybe in two. But listen girls, it is very important that you finish off the entire group. If you stop halfway, you’ll never get the respect you deserve.

Quick Sex in the Bathroom: happens when two people can’t seem to keep their hands off each other and need to pay the nearest restroom a brief visit. Sometimes, one participant will politely wipe off the sink and put the other one on it. Other times one will lean over the sink or against the wall while the other stands behind them. For a little added excitement, don’t lock the door.

First-Time Sex: unfortunate. The movies like to convince us that if there’s an attraction there, the sex will be steamy, sweaty, endless, loud, naked and will always end with simultaneous explosions. False. First time sex is horrendous and if it could be avoided, it would be.

One-Time Stranger Sex: also known as a one-night stand and can only be described with the following story:

A lovely young lady spotted a handsome young man. They enjoyed some light conversation and heavy drinking. He was ever so enchanting and she was delighted by his strapping appearance and quick-witted charm. And he, well he was consumed by her rare beauty and captivating smile (not by anything she said). The two lovely people soon relocated to the young lady’s apartment. As soon as they entered the bedroom they were naked. Not long after the penetration began he wanted to change positions. All sex up to this point was face to face. So they changed positions. Little did she know his intentions were not just to change positions, they were also to change holes. The moral of the story is if you don’t have to be respectful, why would you be? You wouldn’t. Okay, great.

Foster is a member of the class of 2009.

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