Aries (March 21-April 19) – Put a bunch of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and they’ll write Shakespeare. Give them a camera and they’ll make amateur porn!

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – If you can’t beat ’em, steal their girlfriend!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When the track runner you were pursuing said she was wearing Under Armour, you didn’t realize she meant a chastity belt.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – There’s plenty of sex in the cheap whiskey room!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, usually because he’s embarrassed he couldn’t seal the deal.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – It’s strange that women pretend to be close to climax during normal sex, and men pretend not to be close during oral sex.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Remember, eating disorders are diseases. Symptoms include beauty and increased attention from men.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – When the girl you’re hooking up with takes off her bra, you’ll know what she meant when she said she could “take it to the floor.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – The American Medical Society has just approved funding for the “Dental Dam” in Lake Titicaca.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You were a bit surprised when your father started his birds and bees speech with “watch and learn.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Remember, because “Beauty and the Geek” is a reality show, you can stop hoping it will ever happen in real life.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Don’t focus on details, just get general ideas. Like, for example, know that what you’re talking to is female.

(If you actually believe this, then you must believe paper can beat rock.)

UR Womens’ Lacrosse trounces Nazareth 17-5

UR’s Womens’ Lacrosse team beat Nazareth University 17–5 on Tuesday at Fauver Stadium.

Time unfortunately still a circle

Ever since the invention of the wheel, humanity’s been blessed with one terrible curse: the realization that all things are, in fact, cyclical.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…