Two weeks ago, we discussed the modern college liberal in its cloud of pot-smoking glory! Today, we will conclude our two-part stereotypical series with an in-depth glance at the college conservative.

The college conservative is difficult to find amidst the orgy of TI-83s, Natural Light alcoholic beverages and Razor cellular devices. But they thrive on university campuses, wielding name-brand apparel like it was a shotgun basted in brown gravy (the ultimate American dessert). Although most people prefer to dress casually, the college conservative likes to dress as if it has “something up its ass,” as the kids say, which implies that it will sport some alternative of the American flag in tie or pin form. It is propelled by its blind-loving appreciation for George W. Bush. It enjoys his firm mouth, his firm demeanor, his firm resolve and becomes firm in the pants while listening to him speak.

In search of the all-elusive college conservative, one need not go further than your local Wal-Mart shopping center. Here, gaggles of conservatives graze on discount prices, sacrificing their soul, morals and probably their double secret covert invisible ankle holster full of crude oil in order to save a couple bucks.

Although it is difficult to spot a college conservative by its physical appearance, one will most definitely recognize this tofu-loathing animal when feeding time comes around. For a conservative, feeding time is all the time. It flourishes mostly on deep-fried meat products, but it will devour anything that is edible. It tramples around, consuming all sustenance in its path, leaving behind a deathly wake of pollution, undefined government problems and dead animals (that were most likely of the cute infant variety).

Most conservatives will hide in shame in the face of the bong-toting liberal population (which is increasing by the minute due to the constant rate of rampant, heavily-unprotected sexual intercourse). It, like the liberal inhabitants of the environment, will regurgitate random facts that cannot be refuted. Most likely, it will use terms like “the liberal media,” “Nancy Grace,” “is,” “a” and “dumb bitch,” all in the same sentence. If you disagree with its beliefs, it will accuse you of being “un-American” or not enjoying democracy.

Mating rituals for the college conservative also reflect its bizarre behavior. A conservative male will approach a conservative female and sniff it to make quadruple sure that it is female (because if its male, that’s not “right”). The two will crawl onto a couch and absorb FOX News and “America’s Most Wanted” for five hours. Then they will hold hands. And then they’ll watch FOX News and America’s Most Wanted for five years. Then they will get engaged. Then they will sign a prenuptial agreement. And then they will have a nice wedding, besides Aunt Mary-May and Great Uncle Bob not liking the chocolate cake because it’s too sweet. Then they will have sex. Then they will have six kids. And the beautiful cycle continues for another generation.

Be aware of the college conservative beastie. It will either suck the marrow from your bones or make you a victim of capital punishment. If ever invited into a conservative den, make sure to don a suit fashioned from an American flag, freedom fries or a Vietnam veteran. Those weird creatures love that crap.

Stahl is a member of the class of 2009.

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