There are endless misconceptions about penises and far too many unknown facts. For the sake of both men and women, I must set the record straight.

First of all, I think you all need to know that throughout a single day in the life of the average young man, he will get seven erections. And, while he’s sleeping, he’ll get five more. Probably more than anyone imagined, but it’s fact.

Second, I must tell you that there’s absolutely no proof that big hands, big feet or big noses are any indication of big penises. There may be some coincidences, but there is no evidence implying that these claims are in any way valid. In hopes of helping those who believe they are far too small (or especially large), I want to tell you that the smallest functional erect penis recorded was four-fifths of an inch and the largest was 14 inches.

So, for those of you who look down and feel discouraged, remember that cylindrical objects always look longer and bigger from the side. So get naked and stand sideways in front of a mirror in order to improve your self-worth.

But if you’re concerned about the size of your penis and its effect on your sexual performance (in terms of time), you should know that the most sensitive part of a woman’s lubricated muscular tube is the first third of it, while the other two-thirds (further in) are less affected by stimulation. Even the tiniest penis can access that first third.

If you’re apprehensive in bed because you have a tendency to be a short-lived joy, you can join hands with the other 30 percent of men that ejaculate too early as well. Maybe you could learn some exercises. One technique is to squeeze the tip of your penis between your thumb and fingers just below the glans and apply pressure when you sense it coming.

You can also apply this technique to the base of your penis so you don’t have to interrupt intercourse. I have no idea if this actually works. Let me know.

And finally, some facts about semen. The main ingredient in semen is sugar fructose. Nutritionally, there’s about six calories in the average ejaculation and more protein than there is in a medium-sized pork chop.

Semen can provide your body with a large portion of its daily dosage of protein. Good to know! You’ll also be happy to know that the taste of semen can easily be improved. The key is fruit and the things to avoid are spicy foods, coffee, tobacco, alcohol, garlic and red meat.

So what have we learned here today? That men have far more erections than we ever thought, that having a “small” penis is not a valid reason to kill yourself, you’re not alone if you’re a premature ejaculator, and that semen is awesome!

Foster is a member of the class of 2009.

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An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.

UR Softball continues dominance with sweeps of Alfred University and Ithaca College

The Yellowjackets swept Alfred University on the road Thursday, winning both games by a score of 5–4.