Whether or not your bedroom experience with him will prove worthwhile is surprisingly predictable. According to the sexperts, it’s his performance at the dinner table that will tell you the most information. First, there’s his eating style. If he demolishes his food in under 10 seconds, that’s probably not the only thing he can do in that time frame. We’re not looking for a 5-minute dinner and we’re certainly not interested in an even shorter “dessert.” If he only eats the same basic combinations of foods, he probably only likes the same basic restaurants and therefore the same basic sex. But if you’re into that kind of thing, I guess you might be able to find guys like this at the drive-thru where they can be in and out like rapid fire.

However, if your date takes his time with his food, tries a variety of different things, and saves the most savory part of his meal for you, he’s a keeper. The guy with the body obsession who eats dainty bowls of fruit three times a day will never properly satisfy you. If he can really enjoy and truly appreciate his meal and consumes large manly portions every time, you’ll be pleased.

His boring, monotone voice and lack of variety in facial expressions is a clear indicator of a bedtime bore. If he’s exciting, enthusiastic and talks with his hands, he’ll prove to be full of life and passion in the bedroom. And of course, if he’s a big talker, it translates directly.

When he’s doing everything he can to avoid eye contact with you, he’s probably hiding something or just plain awkward at life, and therefore sex. If he stares deeply into your eyes for uncomfortable amounts of time with an unusual ability to focus, you can expect the sex to be extremely intense, serious, and aggressive. Look for a happy medium.

And I don’t want to get into the whole dancing bit, but they say that if he moves in a hectic fashion with jerky movements and lots of quick, stupid-looking moves, you can expect him to prematurely ejaculate.

Now, according to the experienced people around me, there are a few guys to watch out for. Keep away from he who is overconfident. If he walks into a party and throws his hands up in the air to give everyone he sees a high-five and then proceeds to corner you and get really close to your face only to talk about himself and his “impressive” experiences with other girls, expect to be disappointed. These guys are overcompensating for their embarrassing shortcomings. But you can expect a good ride from the relationship guy because he’s been properly taught. These guys have been led step by step through absolutely everything and won’t try anything risky – what they will try will be fun.

So we know what to look for and what to avoid. But most importantly, we no longer have to go into the bedroom anticipating good things only to be left unsatisfied. Now we know how to predict the future. Good luck!

Foster is a member of the class of 2009.

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Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.