As of late, I have felt some strong sensations, some fiendishly erotic desires. I am hankering for a sweet and sour comeback – a sloppy sweet celebrity comeback. Sure it might be the pregnancy, (I’m going to play the role of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Broadway musical adaptation of “Junior” this fall), but although this might seem an unfathomable idea, celebrity comeback stories are the heartwarming pumpkin-pie-with-whipped-cream-and-blueberries-that-your-aunt-tells-you-not-to-eat-but-you-tell-her-to-shut-the-hell-up-or-else-you’re-going-to-take-away-her-smoking-privileges types of stories. I like to see them because they remind me how ridiculous people are whenever a camera is pointed at them for too long. These are just a few predictions as to who or what will make huge comebacks in 2007.

Girl power is definitely on the rise again, especially since H-Clint (Hillary Clinton) is trying out for quarterback of this nation. So, the Spice Girls? They will come back – oh yes, they will come back, if for no other reason than pop music will probably get much worse before it gets better. Does Satan listen to Gwen Stefani? Trick question, Satan hates Gwen Stefani like any other human being with ears. Not even Dr. Phil’s moustache can persuade pop music into going the right direction. And let’s be honest, besides the annoying flaunting of female superiority and a movie with Meatloaf as a bus driver, the Spice Girls weren’t as bad as any top 10 female artists today. And at least I know that they won’t sing any song where they take a name and add “alicious” to the end of it. “Fergalicious” sounds like a lip gloss flavor, or a title of a horrible song.

Of course, actors are known for owning periods of our lives through commercials and indentured slavery. And although they seem to fade away, one actor literally disappeared in “Ghost,” and has been priming himself in heaven for a huge comeback – Patrick Swayze. Since many of the quality actors of our generation are becoming older (Tom Hanks, Alf, Al Pacino, etc., and hopefully, Keanu Reeves will be taking that step forward over a cliff filled with poisonous raspberry Jell-O), this leaves a space open for some experienced actors to take their places. Swayze was a great actor in his time, starring in such fine movies as “Point Break,” “Fiery Feline Fellatio 5” and “Dirty Dancing,” (maybe not great, but tacky and funny to watch great). His bad boy smile will once again reach millions. Hopefully he won’t trim his hair.

Although difficult to eat at times, it has been proven that Americans enjoy things that are dipped in other things – David Spade, for example, who I read was dipped in a huge vat of loser when he was born. But in any case, people also love cookies and that’s the reason why I believe Dunkaroos are going to make a huge comeback. Not just cookies, but delicious, on-the-go cookies that wouldn’t kill for you if you wanted them to, but you could at least try to ask politely. And they’re easier to get for kids than crack-cocaine popsicles.

Of course, some people out there might challenge me – tell me that things like Steve Guttenburg or raisins are going to make a huge comeback. And to this I would retort both are dead to me. But the comeback is a sacred social right, reserved to those lucky enough to fall back into the fickle grace known as the general public’s vacant eyeball. But let’s just pray that the Dancing Baby from “Ally McBeal” never has children and is locked in a small cage somewhere in the town where “Footloose” took place. Get it? It’s illegal to dance there.

Stahl is a member of the class of 2009.



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