Aries (March 21-April 19) – After scheduling classes for your first semester of culinary school, you will be disappointed to find that ‘wake and bake’ actually refers to a 9 a.m. class.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – When on spring break, it’s important to practice safe sex, unless of course you’re drunk, in which case you’re invincible.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – As you discuss exponential decay in chemistry, you can’t help but think back to your discussion in psychology about long-term relationships and the effects on sex drive.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When blow-up dolls are finally replaced by robotic companions, ‘pumping iron’ will take on a whole new meaning.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Getting your car washed in the middle of a Rochester winter is like leaving the bathroom when you are sick with the flu.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – As the snow begins to turn to rain, people’s opinions will change from ‘Rochester sucks,’ to ‘Rochester blows.’
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – This week you will celebrate with your special someone the first month anniversary of your relationship being “complicated” on facebook.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – If you plan on going out this weekend, remember this, ladies: just because no one’s been playing on the field doesn’t mean you should fire the groundskeeper.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Some say that if regular people drank as much as an average college student, they would be diagnosed with alcoholism. I feel the same goes for nymphomania.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Some people are upset that there is no 24-hour library on the weekends. What upsets you is that there are people who actually care about this.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As a biology and chemistry double major, you must feel that it is unfair that your spring break is as long as a philosophy major’s.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – It’s funny that a month after a holiday devoted to love and romance is a holiday devoted to getting loaded and making bad decisions with strangers.
(If you actually believe this then you believe you will get your act together after spring break.)
