Aries (March 21-April 19) – As you read through your textbooks, remember this: always front to back, never back to front.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – To put blue balls in terms women can understand, it’s like marrying an older man only to have him donate all his money to charity upon his death.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When you step in the pothole and twist your ankle, you’ll really regret putting your best foot forward.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When people question your ideas, you always say, “There’s a thin line between genius and insane.” Of course, there’s a large gap between genius and stupid?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Some people go to ITS to buckle down and get to work; others go to ITS to unbuckle and go to work. I would suggest leaving before the latter arrive.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – While you claim to love Danforth for the soft serve ice cream, everyone knows it’s really for the hard bodied freshmen girls.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – In psychology, you will learn that sex addiction is a real and terrible disease that affects thousands of lucky people each year.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – In your economics class, you will discuss the benefits of a large, one-time investment in plastic surgery for your wife versus a monthly payment for Viagra prescriptions.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You blame the winter weather for everything being so dry, but honestly, maybe eating healthy and going to the gym would help to spark your girlfriend’s interest.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You will finally realize how great college life is when the hardest decision you have to make daily is blonde or brunette.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As spring break approaches, the most committed deadly sins on campus will change from gluttony and sloth to pride and envy. Good luck finding space in the gym!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Being opposed to abortion is like always writing in pen. I mean, why do you think pencils have erasers?
(If you actually believe this, then you believe Britney Spears is poised for a comeback.)