Aries (March 21-April 19) – As you read through your textbooks, remember this: always front to back, never back to front.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – To put blue balls in terms women can understand, it’s like marrying an older man only to have him donate all his money to charity upon his death.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When you step in the pothole and twist your ankle, you’ll really regret putting your best foot forward.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When people question your ideas, you always say, “There’s a thin line between genius and insane.” Of course, there’s a large gap between genius and stupid?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Some people go to ITS to buckle down and get to work; others go to ITS to unbuckle and go to work. I would suggest leaving before the latter arrive.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – While you claim to love Danforth for the soft serve ice cream, everyone knows it’s really for the hard bodied freshmen girls.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – In psychology, you will learn that sex addiction is a real and terrible disease that affects thousands of lucky people each year.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – In your economics class, you will discuss the benefits of a large, one-time investment in plastic surgery for your wife versus a monthly payment for Viagra prescriptions.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You blame the winter weather for everything being so dry, but honestly, maybe eating healthy and going to the gym would help to spark your girlfriend’s interest.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You will finally realize how great college life is when the hardest decision you have to make daily is blonde or brunette.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As spring break approaches, the most committed deadly sins on campus will change from gluttony and sloth to pride and envy. Good luck finding space in the gym!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Being opposed to abortion is like always writing in pen. I mean, why do you think pencils have erasers?

(If you actually believe this, then you believe Britney Spears is poised for a comeback.)

What’s the Buzz? Bross speaks on Bee Campus certification

Becoming Bee Campus certified gives the University more points on the STARS program, which assigns ratings to campuses for their sustainable efforts.

The Joker speaks

This sent me down a rabbit hole — how much force do you need to physically remove a male genitalia from the rest of the body?

Senior Spotlight: An Evening with Epiphany Adams

Her favorite teacher, taken from her best subject, told her words that would redirect her studies from psychology, to sciences, then back to psychology.