Aries (March 21-April 19) – In this high-stress collegiate environment, it’s hard to get any R & R. My advice, try to get a little T & A.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – It seems Hillary has started down the campaign trail, which of course begs the question, who is doing Bill’s laundry?
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If you’re having trouble in class, go to Office Hours. Don’t forget to wear something low-cut. Professors love being able to put names to? faces.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – As rush winds down, it’s important to remember, going Greek isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Already sick of the cold? Try walking to class in shorts and a T-shirt. You probably won’t feel warmer, but everyone who sees you will!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – It’s strange to see girls who are really tan this time of year. It’s as if the sun shines only on a couple floors of Towers, and misses the rest of campus.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) -Don’t you hate it when you’re working hard in the library and there’s one kid talking and not doing any work? No? Oh, it’s probably you they hate then.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – When deciding whether to go to the bar or not, remember this, the bar may be expensive, but your memories will be priceless.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – The crappy thing about winter is everyone is wearing scarves. Now how are we supposed to stereotype the pretentious art majors?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – In physics, you will study gravity and its dependence on the mass of an object. Your project will finally explain why men are attracted to junk in the trunk.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – This week, study in the Welles-Brown room. You’re almost guaranteed to fall asleep, but you can feel good about all that time you spent in the library.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Going to a track meet is like a random hook-up. There’s a lot of build up, then 30 seconds of excitement, and then a long period of awkward waiting for the next event.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe the Bears will somehow lose.)
