Aries (March 21-April 19) – Congratulations on making $180 million! And, uh, sorry about your granddad.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Tomorrow, pluck up some courage and ask that waitress for her number. Then learn about failure.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Avoid members of Cancer’s house tomorrow, or else you’ll be infected by them. Seriously, stop smoking 10 packs a day.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Make friends with as many Geminis as possible. In fact, invite them over to your house! If they don’t want to come in, offer them some Skittles?. Everyone loves Skittles!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -The phrase “I told you so” will seem like an overstatement after you learn that that is NOT how you build up immunity to arsenic.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Hahahahahahahahaha. You’re a Virgo. Virgo-boy.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Get that thing checked. I’m not saying it’s VD, but you never know.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Let me just save you nine hours of being on the phone to Blue Cross and just tell you, no, “leopard mauling” is not covered by your insurance.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You know how you love that Weather Girls’ song “It’s Raining Men” so much? Tomorrow it will be horribly, horribly true.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – I really like what you did with your hair. It reminds me of when I used to watch Bozo.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Look out behind you! Oh, sorry. In my defense, you should have read this five hours ago. If you need to make yourself feel better, I hear those Skittles sure are good!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) -After learning to successfully clone yourself next week, you’ll have to put your copy down when he tries to take your Skittles – they’re too damn good to share. Man, I love them Skittles.