Aries (March 21-April 19) – I heart X. This is for you when you get married. You wonder what I’m talking about? She’s crazy isn’t she? Haha, I spilled your coffee.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite song? What’s your favorite candy? Nope, all of those are wrong. Haha, that rhymed.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Uh?there is going to be a lot of weather this week.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Lesson number one, you can’t always get what you want. Life isn’t always an easy ride, but sometimes it’s a funny one. Tell Gemini to chill out, they’ll get a REAL horoscope next week.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Don’t get your delicates all twisted up in a bunch. I’m sure that’s really uncomfortable and not all too sanitary. Don’t twist anyone else’s delicates up in a bunch either, while I’m talking about twisting delicates.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Remember last week when I incorporated the newly coined term “flying toaster” into your horoscope? Ah, the good old days, when we were young and naive.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – The ring and the rosie a pocket full of peanut butter jelly thyme and a side order of bacon well done. Now that’s what I call a good 75th birthday. Moral? Nope.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – My printer is running out of ink. Could you buy me some? I’d really appreciate it. I’ve got a HP 895Cse. The Cse stands for Cadillac Coupe Deville. Yeah, didn’t know that in olden times ‘s’ and ‘e’ corresponded to ‘c’ and ‘d’? You old dog you

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Seriously, someone needs to tell the grocery line to get shorter. Now, I’ll let you in on a little secret – lines don’t have mouths, so they can’t talk. But if they could talk what would they say? Could even the straightest of lines – all lines are straight for you math folks – be gay? That’s deep.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – [Insert Your Favorite Song] + Live By It = I hope you didn’t pick My Back, by Khia. Ew.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Usually Pisces gets stiffed at the end, because I get tired or lose inspiration, focus, or my buzz, but this time it’s going to be you Aquarius. It’s just going to go down like that this week. And you can’t do a fiddlestick about it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) -Your week is going to be glorious, completely, uninhibitedly glories. End of story. You can’t possibly want more after I stuck up for you to Aquarius do you? Didn’t think so.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe that the tomkat baby will be a normal little kid.)

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