Well, it looks like it’s about time to start saying goodbye to UR. Graduation is around the corner and my thoughts on this fact look kind of like this – AHH! In any case, before I go, I thought I’d pass on my words of advice to the young ones who remain. Here are my top 10 ways to survive UR based on my true experiences.
1) Take advantage of any research opportunities. It’s great for the resume and you learn a million new things – like if you keep asking, “Is your child exposed to a second language?” someday someone is bound to reply “Klingon.”
2) If you are part of a minority group, educate others about your culture or religion. Freshman year I did this by convincing a friend of mine that for Yom Kippur we Jews play an instrument called The Jew Pickle, which is a pickle we blow hard in to evoke a screaming banshee noise. I also convinced another friend that the international Jewish motto was, “If it hurts and it’s not food, stop!”
3) Be assertive and learn how to make threats. Freshman year my friend Katie and I worked security for a concert and it sounded something like this – “You can’t go back there. Oh yeah, I mean, just walk right past me, oh, nevermind.” After four years of crafting myself into a stronger, more assertive woman, working security this year sounded more like this – “You can’t go back there! Don’t make me put on my belt, so that I can take it off again and hit you with it. Oh, nevermind.” I’m so thankful to have grown so much.
4) When it comes to the Freshman 15, don’t lie to yourself. You can’t say, “I don’t understand why I’m gaining weight, all I ate today was a salad!” Yes, you did have a salad, but you also had a quarter pound of Swedish fish, two bagels, ice cream, a three pack of large cookies and large tootsie rolls dipped into jars of peanut butter.
5) Use UHS to stay on top of the latest health issues. Before you graduate, make sure you read through the pamphlet entitled, “Three ways to protect yourself if you are gay, bisexual or have sex with other men.” If you can’t figure out why that title is hilarious, have your elbow checked for a sense of humor.
6) Sometimes short-short wearing European exchange students go to the gym and prop their legs up on benches. In the fitness field this is called Euro Dangle. Avoid Euro Dangles at all costs.
7) When you randomly make out with a guy at a frat party, make sure that he’s not so drunk that he passes out in the middle. However, if this happens, make sure that he’s not the fourth guy you’ve ever kissed in your life, because that gives you the responsibility of disclosing the following statistic, “Guys between the ages of 17 and 20 have a 25 percent chance of passing out on me while making out.”
8) When traveling abroad, always make sure to do everything the study abroad office, every travel book and common sense tells you not to do. Don’t worry, you won’t get hurt as long as you say things like, “Man, we’re wandering down a dark pier with a bunch of Brazilian strangers in a foreign city at 2 a.m. Tell me this isn’t in the handbook for everything not to do when traveling abroad.” You’ll be fine.
9) Girls, UR guys fall into four categories – creepy, weird, creepy and weird and non-creepy-weird, but still incredibly immature. They will try to romance you with well-crafted, suave lines like, “If you woke up one morning to find a giant, hairy penis dangling unattached next to you and it could support your weight, what would you do?” The only good reply is, “Roll over and go back to sleep.”
10) And finally, Eddie Izzard is the most important person to have ever lived. Watch “Dressed to Kill” before you die, or I will kill you.
It’s been fun, UR. Always remember – if it looks like Danforth, smells like Danforth or tastes like Danforth, it’s going to be a fun night.
Kaminsky can be reached at