Aries (March 21-April 19) – It’s science that baby blue eyes can woo the toughest of state troopers, even when they are investigating you for the worst offenses. Bat your eyes at an officer this week to get off the hook.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Remember that adorable movie with James Belushi and that Curly Sue girl where Sue, who is Curly, hits her dad over the head with a two-by-four to fake his getting hit by a car in order to scam some lady out of some cash and they end up living happily ever after? This scam doesn’t work if you’re a 20-something man with shiny hair and good teeth. You end up hitting your dad too hard, he develops amnesia and neither of you remember how it all began.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Feeling fat from all the turkey? Feeling tired from all the tryptophan? Let me be the first to clue you in on the Catch-22 that is known as the day of thanks. If you’re tired, you can’t run. The moral of the story? We thought turkeys would be better off in our stomachs because they couldn’t hurt us when they were dead. Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Because Aries, Taurus and Gemini have long horoscopes, yours this week must be cut short. Bravo.Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Up side, right side, left side, down side. If side I side put side side in-between side every side word side this side week side your side horoscope side sucks side. Sorry, side.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Sometimes, you’ve just got to wonder – whatever happened to all that Cheese-Whiz?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Metaphors, they’ll get ya.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – This horoscope is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – I’m pretty sure that barcodes were invented to keep the purchasing of items moving at a pleasant pace. Well, they sure slow things down when I send my two-year-old son out to buy beer because daddy is too hammered to go get it himself.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – If you were a vegetable, which one would you be and why? I expect a 500-word essay in my mailbox by Monday.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Stop freaking out, it’s going to be ok. I promise.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Congratulations! You’re the 10,000th horoscope I’ve written! I’m so insane, I can write 10,000 more and still never make sense and yet never repeat myself.
Lax can be reached at jlax@campustimes.org.
(If you actually believe this, then you really thought that “Rent” would be a feel-good musical about AIDS.)
