Aries (March 21-April 19) – This is going to be quite a week for you. Although you will be overtaken by events, you will also get a paper cut.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Coffee was always intended to be served hot, with the exception of iced coffee. So, don’t sue somebody because you’re a clumsy mess. It’s your fault, not theirs.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Feel like you are losing your grip on reality? At least you didn’t go out last Saturday and lose your shirt, keys, ID card and shorts – all along with your pride.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Never say never. Being negative will only produce negative results. Keep your chin up and you can get through anything with style and grace.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Buy a tavern. Name it “The McJolly Tavern.” Serve canned fruit and frozen meatballs. You will lose a lot of money.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Did you know that you could balance an egg on the end of a fork if it’s exactly 65.8 degrees outside? I bet you didn’t know that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Tell Britney Spears that she just shouldn’t be having a baby. What kind of public relations stunt is that? Oh, she’s having a baby. Tell the E! Channel – I don’t care.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Be aggressive. Be, be aggressive. Give me a C. Give me an A. Give me a T. What does that spell? CAT! Yea!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – I heard that Forrest Gump was passing through Rochester today. Go catch him! Quick, go get him and sell him some of my new cocktail sauce. We can make a fortune.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Cinder blocks can come in handy when doing pretty much any household chore. Washing the dishes? Use a cinder block. They’re antibacterial and very abrasive for those hard-crusted stains.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Try falling down a flight of stairs in front of a whole bunch of people. You may not look very cool, but at least you will have done something with your life. Also, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Buy a dolphin. Name it anything other than Flipper. Feed it celery. And I hope you and your celery-eating dolphin are very happy together.

(If you actually believe this, then you really do think you think the pope will make it more than five years.)

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