Recently, my partner in crime, Chubbs, has been disappointed with the lack of spice in our one -on-one relationship. I really want to give back to my partner because Chubbs has given me pure ecstasy over the last six years. Are there any other spots on our campus where I can extract Chubbs’ love?~Spilling the Seed in GilbertDear Spilling the Seed, It is crucial to maintain the “spice” in your relationship with your Chubbs. Often, we find that through a long period of time, routines in your relationship begin to lack the lust – filled passion that once existed. However, one of the great aspects of attending this university is the plentitude of locales that one may engage “tension relief.” So if you’re sick and tired of lathering up with Lever 2000 in the showers in preparation for your date, grab the nearest bottle of canola oil and follow the path to euphoria. Start your date at the scenic river – level of the House of Zeus right across from our impressive library. There is no doubt that your partner will thoroughly enjoy the majestic flow of the river. Take the opportunity to “exorcise your demon” while you become one with true self. A word of caution to you, though – do not wash your hands with the water provided, as it will probably burn huge holes onto your flesh.Next, show your musical talent to the entire student body by performing on center stage. Everyone knows you have amazing skills while “playing a flute solo.” Go out on a limb and show Chubbs that you’re not afraid for the world to know how much your love really means to you. Don’t know how to play the flute well? Do not hesitate, just memorize a couple of minutes worth of Shakespeare and be prepared to “tame your shrew,” in front of a captivated audience.At this point of the date venture to the nearest pit and “tickle your pickle.” If you’re not in the mood for dry food, get some added moisture by “basting the turkey.” Often times you’ll find your date appreciating it after dinner. End your date by going to the place you really want to be – your bedroom. Take full advantage of the privacy available to you and Chubbs. Be romantic and spread some massage oils over Chubbs. Make sure to work out all the frustrations of the day at this last chance to impress your partner. Ultimately, Chubbs will be very grateful for the attention you have presented and will be eagerly anticipating your next date. Once you’re done, clean up any mess left behind and do what most satisfied men do – fall asleep. See CHUBBS, page 281.



Shuttle swipe requirement begins Feb. 1

Upcoming changes to shuttle service will require riders to swipe their ID cards to enter the shuttle, according to the University’s Director of Transportation and Parking Jim Chodak.

With increase in car thefts, Public Safety releases new statement

Cars targeted in thefts have recently been Kias and Hyundais, with the reasoning behind this increase for these models being a current TikTok challenge.

Neziah Osayi on the importance of financial education

“Sure, it can be once in 10 years, or it can happen the next year,” Osayi said. “But do we want to be in the same position we are today, we are tomorrow? I think not.”