BY Jon Lax

Mr. Big Stuff

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Did you know that if you made a necklace out of raisins, you could use it as a helicopter landing pad? Not true.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Let’s make a new show for URTV that’s a Baywatch spin off where the Pit workers run in bathing suits alongside the Genesee River. They could use Monterey chicken sandwiches as those floating rings to save people from the sushi rafts.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Brush your teeth. Seriously, use some mouthwash too. I can smell the Danforth from here.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Smile. Smile all the freaking time. It’s not worth being sad and grumpy all the time. You can accomplish a whole lot more when you’re thinking positively.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Don’t forget to vote in the election. Which election, you might be asking? The Queen of Falafels for the New World election. Don’t know who to vote for? I can’t make the decision for you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – It’s been discovered that meatloaf is an aphrodisiac. Yeah, slather up some gravy and get into bed. No, actually don’t do that – gravy doesn’t wash out of sheets too well. Trust me, I know. I mean, I know a guy who told me that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Try coming up with a new type of currency. For example, trade five sticks of hard gum for a Polish kielbasa from a street vendor. It may not catch on right away, but before you know it, Doublemint will be highly valued.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Save all your Doublemint gum, don’t chew it. It’s going to be worth one-fifth of a Polish kielbasa in a few years. If you don’t save your gum, then you won’t get the chance to endulge on a juicy kielbasa.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t do math. Don’t ever do math again. Seriously, if you have to add something up, just write a paper.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – It’s a good thing we saw some clouds over the weekend. I almost forgot what they looked like. Figure out a way to poke the clouds and drain them out. Rochester will be much nicer, thanks to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As an Aquarius, you should really enjoy swimming. Go to some place warm and swim with gigantic sea turtles. That would be sweet, wouldn’t it?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Happy birthday. If it wasn’t your birthday recently or it isn’t going to be soon, you’re not a very good Pisces.

(If you actually believe this, then you really do think that Sammy Sosa is just naturally that big.)



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Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…