Aries (March 21-April 19) – Seeing all these tan people around campus makes you feel jealous doesn’t it? It should. They look happier, prettier and healthier than you do. You know you’re depressed. Oh well, there’s always next spring break.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Keep telling yourself that going back home to “take care of things” was a better idea than catching some venereal disease in Cancun, Mexico.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You and I both know that deep down somewhere you are really happy to be back at the good old UR. I also know that deep down there it is warm and sunny. Keep on truckin’.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Does it feel like you are going headfirst down a water slide into an inflatable kiddy pool this week? Relax, have a pretzel and remember that you don’t have to wear your neck brace on weekends.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Learn to do something that nobody cares about in a really good, possibly world record time – like making popsicle-stick log cabin replicas of houses on MTV’s show “Cribs.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Ever wonder why the bottom of your foot isn’t called the small of your foot instead of the arch? Me neither. Go think of another stupid question.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun-shiny day. Do your homework.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – So much work to do, but I have so much time. Slow down and enjoy the scenery. You can’t always do it all instantly.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Sagittarius, this week you win the “ill sign of the zodiac” award. By far, this week for you will be the most ill. Please, keep the speech brief.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – It’s lonely at the top. So remember what it was like to be at the bottom before you scrutinize. Don’t be a hater.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Every action has a consequence. So don’t do stupid things without considering that something stupid will happen to you unless you enjoy being behind iron bars. The lesson – don’t expose yourself on a school bus.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – While on the topic of pedophiles, the E! Channel re-enactment of the Michael Jackson trial is entirely unnecessary and makes me kind of want to cry. Make sure to stock up on tissues this week in case I stop by.
(If you actually believe this, then you really do believe the dead, peeling skin on your nose is sexy.)
