Aries (March 21-April 19) – This is a critical turning point in your young life. Don’t rush your decisions, don’t be willing to sacrifice and don’t be afraid of taking a chance.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Time to grab the bull by the horns. If you want something, go out there and take it. I am not suggesting that you rob a bank.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Structure your speech around the use of rhetorical questions. Do pigs fly? Yo mamma came home last night?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Those Listerine strips are quite power-packed with freshness and flavor. You might be able to slip some under the armpits of your roommate while he’s sleeping.
Leo (July. 23-Aug. 22) – Have a party. Have a big party. Invite lots of people. Let’s make Saturday night fun again! Seriously, please have a party.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Duct tape is the new black. When you would normally wear a black shirt or socks or what have you, wear pieces of duct tape instead. It might seem strange at first, and when undressing, you might lose some hair.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Febreze is your best friend.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – “No matter what a stripper tells you – there is no sex in the champagne room. None. Oh, there is champagne in the champagne room. But you don’t want champagne. You want sex. And there is no sex in the champagne room.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – College math problem – 1,000 people live in a building and 98 percent of them do not take their laundry home. How many washers and driers will be sufficient for these starving artists? Hint – the answer is not six.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When the food from your dining center has the same nutritional value as that of a can of Hormel chili, it’s time to adopt a new style of eating. Either go out and get your own food or go out and get your own food.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Aviator glasses, although intimidating when on the face of a state trooper, look stupid on the face of some baby taking a glamour shot. Refrain from taking glamour shots of your baby.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Please tell Ryan Seacrest that no one is really sure why he has a job or how he makes money. Also inform him that his name would be a great porn star name. I am not suggesting that he get involved in the adult film industry. Seacrest, out.
(If you actually believe this, then you really did think “50 First Dates” was Oscar material.)