Valentine’s Day is fast upon us and thus, I am obliged to discuss it, though not at length because that would be giving it undue importance. Everyone celebrates this Hallmark holiday, but few know its true origins. I turned to the one bastion of truth that has always been there for me. I speak, of course, of the History Channel.

According to a documentary I watched in my underwear, the legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served in Rome during the third century. Some crazy emperor came to power and insisted that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families. Apparently, we single men have nothing to live for and might as well be eaten by lions. The emperor outlawed marriage for young men.

In the olden days, marriage was far more important. Now, if someone told all single men that marriage was illegal, they would probably run naked singing in the streets. We must remember that, back then, women didn’t put out until marriage – so I’m sure this law did not go over well.

Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied the emperor and continued to perform marriage ceremonies for young lovers in secrecy. For his noble efforts as a saintly matchmaker, our courageous Valentine was put to death.

Appropriately, today we celebrate his noble sacrifice by eating crappy heart candies inscribed with meaningful messages like, “e-mail me,” “text me” and “fax me.”

There are some obvious advantages to being in a relationship, like having someone to go home with you when you’re pissed drunk, who knows all your dirty disgusting secrets and will still sleep with you. My idol, Chris Rock, best described the conundrum of love as “married and bored, single and lonely.” It is one of those adages, like “the grass is always greener on the other side” – which is bullshit.

Valentine’s Day blows because if you do happen to be dating someone, you are forced by society to do something special on this most arbitrary of days. Call me an old-fashioned romantic, but if you want to show your love to your woman, do something special for her just because you feel like it. Girls love spontaneity far more than a box of chocolates.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to order a dozen roses to be surreptitiously delivered to myself in class.

You don’t expect me to look like a loser, do you?

Kutcher can be reached at

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