Horoscope

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You can make a full five-course dinner out of the following: a coat hanger, dinosaur stamp, speaker wire, 21 staples and two feet of velcro. Actually, you can’t. I lied!Aries (March 21-April 19) – Look out for chimpanzees hiding behind the garbage pails this week. It’s not really banana season anymore so you might not have a chance at surviving. Go eat an apple, they keep the doctors away.Taurus (April 20-May 20) – With dozens of different kinds of Cheez-Its available for your eating pleasure, there is always room for one more. Invent a new Cheez-It this week. Don’t poison them. The children are our future.Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You must register to vote or you will die, according to P. Diddy. I wonder if he will personally kill you if you do not register. Maybe he’s like a Santa Claus of killing people when they don’t register to do things. Anyway, you should register to vote.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Go buy all the Dust Busters in the world and plug them in at the same time. Still, that potato chip on your rug will not move. Don’t bend over to pick it up though, it’s way too far and just what the chip wants.Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Chitty chitty bang bang. Bang bang chitty chitty. That’s your horoscope, don’t wear it out.Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – OK, here is the plan. Go to Staples and buy tons of little packing peanuts, not the white ones, the pink ones. Now, fill up a dumpster behind the pit and throw a pink peanut party for no reason.Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Things that are fluffy make for good hugs. Go hug something that is fluffy as hell. You’re going to need it when you see the horoscope I write for you next week.Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Write a new novella. In it there must be mention of a crazed fire truck driver, dirty underwear hanging in a closet and an uncontrollable bladder. Call it “CSI – Toronto Text Version 1.0.” Ooh, did you feel that? Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Go buy the most pointless thing on eBay. Like a leprechaun whistle wind chime panini maker. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Stop calling sprinkles “jimmies” and don’t call soda “pop.” It’s just not right.Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You will need flip flops in every single color of the rainbow this week. I am not going to tell you why, but I will tell you this – ROYGBIV.(If you actually believe this, you are a Red Sox fan, even though they won.)