Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Not much to say about your week here. It’s cloudy in Rochester, as is your future. It is always cloudy in the city by the Genesee River. Cloudy in a good way, of course.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – This is going to be a rough week. Make sure to put yourself out there and give it your all. You’ll feel great about yourself when it’s all over. Please just trust me.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Even though the holiday season is nearly upon us. Go out and buy something for yourself before you blow your hard earned cash on others. I recommend a nice ruler or a pack of gum.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Try convincing people that Thanksgiving is way more fun than Halloween. Tell people to get all dressed up in costumes for Thanksgiving. Tell the kid you don’t like to go as a turkey.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Remember pogs? If you don’t, stop reading. If you do, would you play a pogs video game? If you would, spread the word. Pog 3D is coming out for the upcoming holiday season!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Make sure to drink lots of fluids. Also make sure to only let those fluids go in the vicinity of a toilet. This is important to maintaining your dignity.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Can you do my lab? Thanks. But seriously folks. This guy walks into a bar and says, “ouch.” I’ll be here all week. Try the veal. It is probably very tasty.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Even if you’re a tour guide, walk forward. I guarantee that you won’t offend people on your tour if you walk normally. I know when I was visiting schools all I wanted to see was the tour guide fall over. Pick a favorite color.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Go find the 4-CAST guy. Rochester needs him back. If you are the 4-CAST guy, what the hell dude, you’re not allowed to actually graduate without starting a members-only club.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t feel as if it’s your fault that all the leaves fell off the trees lately. You might know the guy whose fault it is. But directly, it’s not your fault. So don’t sweat it, kid.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Start a mud sliding club. I bet someone else will join. If every Capricorn started a mud sliding club you could have one hell of a World Tour.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Tell Danforth Dining Center to start cooking food. Food should remain in the stomach longer than the walk back from Danforth Dining Center.
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