Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – With the exception of Mormons, the past year has been a living hell for everyone, mainly because of you. Don’t worry though, yours is coming. Find a dark hole and hide.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Things have been stressful lately, but don’t worry. Before you know it this semester will be over and things will be smooth sailing. Keep your chin up.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Dance a jig of joy! This coming week will be full of fun. Now would be a good time to buy some new shoes, because you should look your best for that special someone.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Friends can be fickle, but you’re not. Just be a little careful about who you open up to and you’ll be fine. Beware of thigh-high boots.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You may worship VH1, but VH1 doesn’t worship you. Turn off the TV and get outside some while the weather is still nice. If not, you’re going to be in a bad situation when the snow comes.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Ink poisoning is a real and dangerous affliction. Get that nasty Bic out of your mouth and preserve your chances for that Vogue cover.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Well, you’ve scuttled your best friendships and you’re probably feeling a little lonely. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider your priorities and past actions to try and fix things.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – That indigestion you’re having isn’t from Danforth or the Pit – it’s from guilt. What did you do? I know what, but you need to figure it out or they’re going to name that stall after you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Travel is in your future and so is doing your homework. Don’t let yourself fall behind and things will keep falling into place.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Bootylicious. That should be your nickname. So shake what your momma gave you and let the whole world watch. You are a star!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Start going to class. Just because you’re used to blending in, doesn’t mean no one notices what’s up. Bring your pen and notepad and take notes!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Sassy! That’s how your friends describe you. The problem is you think it’s a positive thing. Tone down the attitude and leave the “Dirty Dancing” look behind. Go out and see how things’ve changed since you were 16.

(If you actually believe this, good. It’s one step closer to my world domination. This probably shouldn’t be taken seriously.)

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