By Madonna

Prospective Student

It only took 83 years but the School Formerly Known as the Eastman School of Music has finally found its calling.As of tomorrow, 26 Gibbs Street will become the home of the Eastman School of Dance.”I can’t tell you how happy I am to be announcing the change,” Dean of the new Eastman School of Dance Jim Undercofler said. “Finally, the mission of the Eastman School will be worthwhile. Classical music is obviously on the decline and I am pleased to announce that we have finally accepted this and are now ready to ‘get with the program.’ Dance offers so much more value to society, anyhow. Who really needs Beethoven anyhow?”According to sources, officials began to seriously question the need for a music school once they realized that students no longer spent their weekend nights practicing, but went out and danced.With the overhaul also comes new faculty. Most of the current faculty will be thrown out onto Scio Street, with the exception of the organ instructors who, according to Undercoalfur, “will be kept because playing organ requires you to use both your feet and your hands, unlike the flute or violin.””Luckily for our now ex-faculty, the streets of downtown Rochester offer many unique career opporunities – my personal favorite being panhandling,” Ultracolder added.Over the past few months, Eastman administrators have successfully pulled together a faculty of some of the best dancers and choreographers in the world.”There are many types of dance, and even a few worthy of being taught at the Eastman School of Dance,” Underncolder said, before listing off the new faculty list.Administrators are also proud of the acquisition of dancers from the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater, which “promotes the uniqueness of African-American cultural expression and the preservation and enrichment of the American modern dance heritage.””We are especially excited that Judith Jamison, artistic director of the AAADT will be taking on a faculty position,” a smiling Undercofler said.The Eastman School of Dance will also feature an exceptional department of cultural dance – specifically that from Asian cultures, including both the Indian dance type “Kuchipudu” and traditional Thai dance, which has been performed for hundreds of years, will be taught at Eastman, among others. “And, of course, there will be the Macarena,” he said.Ballet, one of American’s most well-known dance types, will also be taught at Eastman and is expected to be one of the school’s strongest departments. Principal dancers with both the American Ballet Theater and the Russian Ballet Company will become instructors at Eastman.”One of our new goals is to provide the greater Rochester community with opportunities for cultural enrichment. We feel that our failure to offer as many performances of “The Nutcracker” as possible during the winter season reflects poorly on the Eastman School,” Ultracofler said. “However, we are keeping one member of our current instrumental staff to teach a few students how to play instruments. This will ensure that we have the competent orchestra needed to successfully perform this ballet,” he said.There will also be a department dedicated to the study of the new “Dance Dance Revolution” style.”Lately, there has been an increase in the popularity of the “DDR” dance across the country. It is completely appropriate that we devote as much time and energy as possible to learning this craze,” Undercutler said.It is expected that other music schools, including both the Curtis Institute of Music and the New England Conservatory, will soon follow in Eastman’s footsteps – if not in the next few hours, definitely the next few days.Madonna cannot be reached. Anywhere. Ever. But please keep trying anyway.

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