Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — If spring break was not enough for you, take another one. Go somewhere awesome this weekend, like Canada.
Aries (March 21-April 19) — Find an excuse to throw a party. Like maybe your birthday. Then you’ll get presents!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Don’t watch the news this week. If you have to watch television, watch sitcoms and reality TV shows. They’re much less obnoxious.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) — It seems like you haven’t dressed up in a while. It’s time to look nice, so do some laundry and break out the iron. Everyone will compliment you all day long. Won’t that be fun?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) — You should get a pet. Try a fish. Yeah, it’ll die really soon, but it’s better to have loved and lost, so make the emotional leap. Just remember to feed it kind of regularly. Trust me.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — Pat yourself on the back, Leo! You’re so nice, it makes me want to give you a hug every day.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Decisions can be hard. Flip a coin. If you keep flipping it , trying to get heads or something, that’s a good indicator of what your decision should be.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) — You should really find a way to give yourself more time in your life. If you don’t have time to breathe or just hang out, you will find yourself in a bad mood more often than you need to be. And doing all of your homework is important.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Don’t let yourself think about the summer too much yet. Everything will fall into place, and it will turn out to be a lot more fun than you’re imagining right now.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) — You need to make a list of all the things that you have to do. You know you’re going to forget to write one of those term papers or something if it’s not written on your hand.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — I’m sure you can think of something better to do with your time than reading your horoscope in the Campus Times. Do you think our horoscopes are true or something?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Even when you’re loaded down with things to do, taking care of people is important. Don’t forget to call home and make sure that everything’s going okay there. They probably need you, and they’ll be glad to talk.
(If you actually believe this, you must not realize that we always make it up. This is not to be taken seriously.)