I have this problem. Every time I have casual sex, I am easily stimulated, yet easily distracted. I tend to start thinking about homework or other people during an encounter. Meanwhile, my partner is left trying to attain an orgasm without me. What do you think is wrong with me, and do you have any suggestions on how to improve my concentration? -Ms. Flighty in Fairchild
The life of a college student can be hectic, full of crucial decision making and multitasking. We are often one step ahead in our thinking, overwhelmed with assignments and duties, making it pretty difficult to concentrate on the present moment. No wonder we drink ourselves to death to escape the demands of life every weekend.
What is happening to you sexually may be a result of spillover from the way you generally go about your day. I would suggest trying to focus on one activity at a time in everything you do, not just during sex.
Concentrate all your energy on individual tasks. When you eat, enjoy your food. Focus on the texture, taste and how it nourishes your body, instead of just robotically scarfing down that package of cookies while running to your next class.
Next, take this mindfulness to your sexual life. Shut out the world beyond the sensations that you are exchanging with your partner. Attend to your partner’s body, breathing and feelings, as well as your own. Look at sex as meditation. This can result in intense relaxation and sensitization.If you are still unable to concentrate on your sexual interactions even after actively calming and removing yourself from reality, there might be an underlying reason for the problem.
Perhaps, you are not cut out for casual sex. You might not be having sex with the right person, someone who can keep you captivated in the experience. Since you specifically said that this only happens during casual sex, I would guess that when you have had sex that involved love, you did not have this problem. You might want to think about this.There is another possible explanation of why your sex life is problematic.
You may have high sensitivity, a trait proposed by Dr. Elaine Aron. Fifteen to 20 percent of the population inherit this trait, which is characterized by a more sensitive nervous system and therefore vulnerability to over-stimulation and frequent distraction.
Aron’s research maintains that highly sensitive people “tend to be turned on by subtle rather than explicit sexual cues, are easily distracted or physically hurt during sex, and find it difficult to go right back to normal life afterwards.”
Even if you are not one of these highly sensitive people as described by Aron, I’d say the most important issue to think about is what your aim is in having casual sex. Are you merely striving to satisfy sexual satisfaction or are you looking for more? Be honest with yourself. Maybe when you find what you are looking for, there will be little room for distraction. -Joan
Got a love or relationship question that’s literally … umm … burning? Ask the Love Goddess herself, Joan Knihnicki, at love@campustimes.org.
