We all know about warm apple pie, but how many of us know about “Cherry Pie?” Unfortunately, I do. Yes, it is that time of year again — time for the annual campus porn. Like last year, I decided to take one for the team and review the movie, all 75 minutes of it. Do you have any idea how long 75 minutes of porn feels like? Days. It feels like days. Despite the torture of sitting through it, I love the porn. I love it precisely because it is the one time of year when all moviegoers get real sloshed and sit in Hubbell for 20 minutes. I also love it because reviewing it gives me motivation to do homework. Nothing makes you feel like doing homework more than watching porn. It is boring. Not that learning about file allocation tables is thrilling, but at least it is applicable.
Like every other on-campus porn, this one showcases the greatest beauty and talent the porn industry has to offer. If you have viewed any of the previous porns, you will understand why that is supposed to be funny. It is almost as if UR tries to select the absolute worst films. What ever happened to the classics like “Debbie Does Dallas?” And at least last year’s porn had a better title than this year’s — “Thighs Wide Open.” I cannot wait for “Passenger 69”.
But enough speculation. I have a confession to make.
I did not watch the porn this year. I had only the best intentions. But, alas, it was missing from the Multimedia Center — again. What am I supposed to do? I cannot review a movie that is MIA. More importantly, why is it always missing? Who keeps taking the porn? For crying out loud, can’t people just wait until Saturday?
Basically, I have no idea what “Cherry Pie” is actually about. I initially thought it was going to be a takeoff of “American Pie,” but I was wrong. I read the review on the movie poster and it sounds like a thrilling movie about 1950s sexual whatever. But I have been at this university for four years, and I know the porn is always crap. It always has below average actors — in the visual and talent sense. Anyone can make something sound good. I told the Career Center I wrote a good book report in fifth grade, and my rsum now says I have “strong writing skills” and the “ability to summarize background information.”
However, the mediocrity of the movie is the best part. The whole point of the porn is to make fun of it. No one stays longer than 20 minutes. It is just another reason to pre-game on a Saturday night. Going to the porn at least once in your four years is just another notch on the
“I-did-this-in-college” belt. So get liquored up, notch your belt and take part in a campus tradition.
Haber can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.