Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — You know what’s coming up fast? Spring break. Start planning now or you’ll be stuck going home again. But if you live in the Bahamas, don’t even worry.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Anyone who plays catch up all the time is not a pretty sight. So stay on top of your schoolwork and it’ll prove to be a better semester in the end.
Aries (March 21-April 19) — You know what else is coming up fast? Valentine’s Day. You’d better do something romantic, because that’s the whole point.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — You’re going to get your dance on this month. But don’t tell too many people it’s because you went to Wilson Commons to practice Dance Dance Revolution.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) — You know what else is coming up fast? The Ides of March. If you’re Julius Caesar, watch out for that.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) — Feeling in a little bit of a funk? I think it’ll be over in the time it takes you to get ready to go outside in the cold. Just remember to keep smiling and bundle up.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — The best way to win a snowball fight is to have a snowball fight with a car or a bus. They don’t have arms.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — You should go to a naked party in the next month. I think you might actually enjoy yourself. And if you can’t find one, you can always just throw your own.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) — Watch out for things that you might be allergic to. Because you never really know you’re allergic until you have an allergic reaction. That’s good advice.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Always make sure that your socks match your shoes and carry a good luck charm with you everywhere you go.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) — I can tell that this week, there will be too many monkeys jumping on the bed. At least, that’s what the doctor said. That’s right, I don’t listen to the stars anymore. Trust science, not stars.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Too bad your birthday’s over but I guarantee this will be a good year for you. You’ll be able to get through anything if you just keep the right attitude.
(If you actually believe this, you’ve been eating too many Team Cheerios. This is not to be taken seriously.)
