Libra (Sept. 23?Oct. 22) ? It is in your best interest to fly to Los Angeles ? Burbank, really ? and be on The Price is Right. You’ve been practicing by reading up on the price of household appliances, all you need to do is work on your wheel spin and you’re set to win that Showcase Showdown.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? It’s nice to know you’ve found your chi. Now leave it alone! A girl can get worn out playing with that thing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? You know you want that Taurus in your life. He’s hot, he’s smart and everything you want. Get over your fear of relationships and kissing and start making things happen. Chop-chop! Not into guys? Yes, you are.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Life can treat you badly. When it does, reach out and bitch-slap it. You’ll feel better, and while life is massaging its sore jaw you can run and hide before an anvil falls on your head.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ?You paid enough attention to your parents during Meliora Weekend, now its time to focus on the people you live with. I suggest buying them bath beads, cleaning the communal shower and cooking them all dinner. It’ll give you brownie points to cash in later for consumable goods in the event of nuclear war.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Mono has taken its toll, but now you’re on the rebound. Take that kid that’s all about you for a ride you’ll both enjoy. Deal with the consequences later.
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? Didn’t get that windfall last week? We lied. Sorry.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? Make sure not to lead people on, but don’t hesitate to follow up on all the hotties in your life.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? Work on that stuttering problem. It’s just not attractive. We suggest working with a speech therapist until you’re doing better.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? Who do you think I am? Buy a Magic 8-ball. I’m not your personal clairvoyant.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? Nothing has changed from last week. Continue doing that whole artsy thing. You’ll be poor in a few years, but that’s not really my problem, is it?
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? You wanna dance with somebody? Go for it, you’re sexy, you’re cute and popular to boot. You’ve got great hair and the boys all love to stare. And all you want is somebody who cares. So find him.
(If you actually believe this, we couldn’t hate you more. This is not to be taken seriously.)
