Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) — Life can get messy when things don’t go as planned. This is one of those messy times, and you’re left with two choices — adapt or perish. My suggestion is to adapt.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Ever watch one of those specials on Fox about aliens crashing in Roswell, mysteriously surviving and then being covered up by the government? Those were your parents.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — It’s your age! Start a dance club and party naked on top of a pedestal — unless you’ve got a potbelly. In that case, keep that to yourself. Some of us ate today.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Avoid tuna for finals week. The person sitting next to you in that BCS exam will thank you profusely.
Aries (March 21-April 19) — Imagine going from eating at Denny’s all the time in Rochester to working in one in Florida. Wait, you don’t have to just imagine, you can live the dream. It’ll be a good change of pace for you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — You need to think less about sex and more about school. This is starting to get old and you know it. Get your act together and great things will come your way. If you don’t, however, watch out — there’s a box in an alley with your name on it.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) — Damn girl, lay off the twinkies. Don’t turn the Freshman 15 into the Junior 40. Regularly visit the gym and treat yourself to a deep tissue massage, but beware of any promises of “release.”
Cancer (June 22-July 22) — After nursing yourself back to health over Thanksgiving, you’re at the top of your game. Everyone envys you because you look so great this week. Make sure to tame those frizzies and you’ll stay where you are — on top of the world with your baby’s daddy.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — Roar, baby, roar. Spend a few days pretending to be a British super-spy. Swirl the martinis, pinch the girls’, or guys’, asses and make like a bandit. This may be the one time it won’t come back to bite you in the ass.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Didn’t win the big jackpot like you were supposed to? We’re sorry, that was for the other Virgos out there. Your turn is coming up soon though. Try again and use some lucky numbers.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — We’re sorry for last issue’s advice to go skydiving. Your legs will heal eventually. We promise. Really.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — Buy some Beastie Boy albums and get in touch with your inner license to kill. You could use it.
(If you actually believe this, I’ve got a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. This is not to be taken seriously.)
