Editor’s note: Features Editor Micah Greenberg imagines the Biden transition team in the event of a democratic victory in this week’s presidential election.

A senior Biden transition team official leaked an updated version of President-Elect Biden’s plan for his first 100 days in office early this morning. This version includes several changes to the draft released two weeks ago.

Most notably, nearly half of the points in the 77-point plan have been removed after fierce disagreement within the Democratic Party and a large dip in President-Elect Biden’s approval ratings.

The Russian novel-length plan is noticeably less controversial. The previous plan’s pledge to pack the Supreme Court has been removed. Every mention of abortion, guns, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and police has been removed. There is no more plan for trade or environmental policy. The only remaining mention of the word “race” is “we will harness the greatness of American ingenuity to win the race for a COVID-19 vaccine.”

In place of those controversial proposals, the Biden transition team has put forward a platform of ideas with broad popular support. “We pledge in our first 100 days to abolish the scourge of malarkey in all of its forms,” the plan reads. President-Elect Biden plans to appoint an anti-malarkey czar tasked with publishing a monthly report on the amount of malarkey in the administration and country writ large.

When asked how eliminating malarkey is any different from previous Republican rhetoric of “draining the swamp” and “telling it like it is,” President-Elect Biden said “President Trump didn’t drain the swamp.” The video of this comment has been replayed by every cable television program in the country, with the caption “PRESIDENT-ELECT ATTACKS SITTING PRESIDENT.”

In response to the negative press, the Biden transition team released a cache of uncontroversial photos, such as Biden at a podium in front of an American flag and Biden petting a dog. Additionally, a group of photos marked “still popular for now” were obtained by our investigative team, including photos of Biden visiting birthplaces of founding fathers, eating ribs, and planning drone strikes.

When asked about why so many of President-Elect Biden’s nominees for appointed positions are white men, and whether that has to do with their reliance on focus groups in industrial swing counties, Biden said, “That’s malarkey.” An advisor then intervened to end the press conference.

Later, the Biden transition team sent a written answer, saying, “The great people of Lancaster County deserve a say in our government. They are America. Insert uncontroversial inspirational quote here. And as President-Elect Biden often says, he wants to be President for all of America.” The statement has since been revised.

President Trump, who has been watching Fox News from the Lincoln bedroom while eating popcorn since being declared a lame duck last month, declined to comment for this story, but instead attached a link to his most recent tweet, which read: “HILLARY CLINTON’S EMAILS.”



Trans woman Chanel Hines shot by parole officer

On Tuesday, Nov. 3, Chanel Hines was shot three times in the chest and hospitalized by Jeff Smith, her parole officer. 

Cheers and jeers: Thanksgiving edition

Cheers to 2020 being almost over.

Disobey the no-guest policy as an act of civil disobedience

I encourage the rest of campus to follow suit in my noble endeavor to stop the unjust laws governing our campus and really stick it to the man with me.