It is Tuesday at 10 p.m. I’ve spent all of my day on campus. The bright lights in the IT Center have corroded my soul even more than the medium scoops of dark chocolate almonds and sour gummy worms I’ve been eating all day have corroded my teeth. The therapist gave me some strategies to cope with the gnawing pain in my stomach. I’ve been using them all day but now it is 10 p.m. and self-restraint is a stupid thing that neither Rihanna nor Yung Lean uses on a daily basis.
My heart is a storming bull that leads me straight to a bowl of cannabis that I smoke three hits of out a window. Rihanna smokes cannabis. I am not Rihanna but my taste in clothing is exceptional. Rihanna probably watches movies directed by Michael Bay in her home theater while eating candied walnuts and wearing a camouflage jacket with Drake by her side. Her speakers are made by Sennheiser but she is probably not cognizant of this fact at all moments, only some moments.
I open up Netflix on my laptop. It is time to get stupid. Stupidity is a social construct. Sometimes stupidity is good. The only option is to live in the moment. Children and Family. Sort by highest rated. Everything with five stars is stupid. Any movie that has the word “kindling” in the description is stupid. I never cared for dog movies. Scroll to the bottom of the page. Two-star movies. Not good enough. Give me that one-star shit, baby—give me a movie that no one can understand except me. Come to think of it, I’ve always been different from the others.
“Dwegons and Leprechauns.” One star. The animation in this movie reminds me of a YouTube channel I like called “madcatlady.” The characters in this film are not very expressive with their eyes. I enjoy this. The boy and his father drive to their new country home and it is infested with strange creatures. One of them has a Nova Scotia–type accent and purple dreadlocks. She plays guitar in a band.
These characters appear creepy in a nonconventional way. I force myself to appreciate them. As I laugh at the Nova Scotia monster’s accent, I think the phrase, “that doesn’t even make sense.” This is the kind of thing kids would say in my middle school in reaction to some YouTube videos. The floors to my middle school were linoleum and cold to the touch. Dust and dirt would stick to my hands when I’d sit down on these floors and listen to Daft Punk on an iPod classic. My recollection of middle school forces me to reject critiquing the purple haired monster’s voice on the basis of it “not making any sense.” Things that don’t make sense are good, but I think I’m still a middle schooler.
My chest and heart are expanding as I watch “Dwegons and Leprechauns.” The reason Leprechauns are in the title is because the Dwegons are a crossbreed between leprechauns and some other type of creature. There is no other mention of leprechauns in the movie. I’ve only watched two thirds of it but I know this because I stopped the movie 40 minutes in to read the reviews. One of the reviews came from a mother who said the monsters in the film are scary looking. I don’t agree with this, but I can say one thing—this mother may or may not have a plaque in her kitchen that reads “Live. Love. Laugh,” but she definitely has one or more shoes from Kate Spade.
“Dwegons and Leprechauns” is the best movie of all time. I know this because many people do not like it, but I like it. The character’s eyes in the movie do not move. It also surprises me that the grandma character is conservative enough to scold her grandson for flirting with a person at the farm, but open-minded enough to welcome the Dwegon monsters into the farm with open arms. The Dwegons eat donuts and damage the pipes in the house. They have strange looking faces by human standards. But the Dwegons just want love. The grandma in the film understands this tenet thoroughly. I can neither confirm nor deny that this grandmother considers herself a “strict constitutionalist.” I can say that Hellman’s Mayonaise contains Vitman D, Riboflavin, Niacin, Xanthan Gum, and other natural and artificial flavors.