Citing the failure that was the last Rochester winter, Ice Queen Elsa has promised to set things right this time around.

“Last year, an amazing opportunity presented itself to me,” Elsa said. “Taking that opportunity ended up being quite a distraction from my role in society. This year, I’m going to do it right.”

After a thorough investigation, the Campus Times found that Elsa has been working at Disney World since July 2014. She was working part-time, and winter was not offered as a full-time position, so Elsa went on strike. Coming north to Toronto in protest, her anger caused a stormy, miserable winter.

After that storm, Disney relented, hiring Elsa full-time. This job distracted Elsa, and as a result, last winter was unseasonably warm.

Donald Duckal, a Disney spokesman, told the times that Elsa was hired full time to work on an upcoming, but still unannounced, Frozen sequel, produced by George R.R. Martin.

Martin, the popular Game of Thrones author, declined to comment.

Promises of an actual winter have the University community in high spirits.

“Two years ago, I was miserable because of the horrible weather,” Professor of Mechanical Engineering Ludwig Lou Billet said as he pulled out a file labeled “Snow-Day Projects.” “But, after last year’s winter flop, I really missed the earlier doom and gloom. I figure now that we’re looking at an incredible amount of snow, I have time to implement my childhood plans.”

Facilities has begun its own preparations for the coming winter, as well.

“In preparation for the expected blizzards, Facilities and Services has purchased an extra 1,000 tons of salt and hired over 20 new employees,” Associate Vice President for University Facilities and Services Bruce Bashwiner said. “Things might get a little crowded and messy, but we are working with [University President Joel] Seligman to ensure that this year, there are still no snow days and the professors can get to campus.”

Despite the threats of students having to attend class this winter, Speaker of the Senate Lindsay Wrobel and Students’ Association (SA) President Vito Martino announced at last Monday’s Senate meeting a joint SA initiative to expand Winterfest. Plans include extending Winterfest to envelop an entire week, holding a prayer service to Elsa at the Interfaith Chapel, and a Public Safety–sponsored “Public-Safety Snow-Officer- Building Contest.” They encourage all interested in the event to attend a Skype general interest meeting on Friday, which will be automatically played on every electronic device connected to the University Wi-Fi.

Laser lab faces possible closure

The lab has also been home to a number of Ph.D. students, not only from UR, but from universities worldwide. Students have gotten the opportunity to work at the “OMEGA” facility with state-of-the-art lasers, one being one of the most powerful high-energy lasers in the world.

A sober look at mass shootings

Gun control has been in the news for the last few weeks because of the Parkland shooting, but there’s been a lack of critical analysis on what gun control would and wouldn’t accomplish, and what would really need to be done to stop mass shootings.

Activist alum speaks on LGBT issues in military

Perkowski works as a legal director for Outserve-SLDN, a non-profit association which serves members of the LGBT military community — a career he got into “by accident,” when a friend invited him to be on the board of the organization.