1. A man was struck by a car while trying to cross the street in Delaware.

Either way, his final destination was going to be a funeral home.

2. A New York court is set to hear a case that argues that chimps have rights.

Let’s not forget, chimps have lefts, too.

3. A Silicon Valley man unwittingly invited a fugitive inside his home for dinner amid a manhunt. 

“Oh my god, wait,” the man says to the fugitive. The fugitive begins to sweat. The man continues, “You almost forgot desert!”

4. Hundreds of chickens were killed by intruders at a California farm.

I think we know which one went first, the chicken, not the egg.

5. A Swiss goalkeeper is shocked after learning that fans urinated in his water bottle. 

“So you mean to tell me that it wasn’t a brownie?” he said after the game.

6. A recent poll in Switzerland asked citizens what they love most about their country. 

“Well, the flag is a big plus.”

7. Washington crews are trying to oust a beaver who keeps building a dam under a bridge by removing female beavers in the area. 

However, the beaver has still managed to find some morning wood.

8. A woman is claiming that she dug up her dad’s grave “with respect.”

In an interview with the two, the father remained speechless.

9. Kate Winslet recently opened up about why she didn’t date Leonardo DiCaprio.

You’d have to think the fact that Leo froze to death had something to do with it.

10. A journalist suspects he got Ebola while cleaning an infected car.

Something tells me that dramamine won’t be able to help this guy’s car sickness.

11. A recent report ranked Bakersfield, California as the least literate city in the U.S.

After reading the report, their ranking still remains unknown to the city’s citizens.

Horgan is a member of
the class of  2017.  



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