Heartbroken singles swarm UHS for free Valentine’s Day counseling

The lines outside University Health Service were uncharacteristically long this morning, Feb. 14, due to a massive increase in student interest for the University Counseling Center’s psychotherapy program.
The turnout is completely unprecedented and too much for UCC to handle, forcing it to recruit psychiatry residents and medical students from UR Medical Center as well as experts from Syracuse and Buffalo.
“URMC can only give us so much support,” UCC intern Freud Anderson said. “We’re flying in extra professionals from local cities to help with the demand.”
This extreme increase has been attributed to the advertisement placed in the Weekly Buzz email, offering free psychotherapy sessions for lonely students.
“I’ve been in line since I saw the ad,” one student explained while camping in Park Lot. “I’ve got the Valentine’s Day Blues. I hope they can fit me in.”
While most students in line seemed genuinely desperate for attention, some just wanted their money’s worth.
“I saw that this is a free service paid for by our student health fee, and I wasn’t going to let that money go to waste,” freshman John Johnson said. “I even brought my girlfriend with me so we could be together.”
Johnson’s girlfriend, freshman Cindy Doller, then explained to him the concept of sunk costs for which she claimed was the “hundred bajillionth time.”
“I’m an economics major,” she said. “But he said he’d take me out to dinner later, so I don’t care.”
Even without the advertisements and fees, many students seemed sincerely helped by the program, attributing much of their need to the academic rigor of UR’s curriculum.
“I come here every Valentine’s Day,” senior Guss Cerkit said. “I’m a BME major, and it gets pretty lonely when you’re dating your senior design project.”
In order to quell the monotonous wait time and provide some temporary relief, UCC has set up checkpoint stations offering free chocolate ice cream and showings of “An Affair to Remember.”
Esce is a member of the class of 2015.