If you thought Meliora Weekend was fun, with highlights such as the giant “Meliora” sign, food trucks, and the obviously run-down Ferris Wheel, brace yourselves for UR’s newest tradition.
With the highest-stake Election Day coming up on Nov. 5, the University has now introduced the All-School Election Race, a University-wide contest promoting political polarization on our moderately liberal college campus. Everyone is required to attend (or else).
All students are divided into two major groups: those voting for the Kamala Harris/Tim Walz ticket and those voting for Donald Trump/JD Vance. Students voting for third parties will be forced to join one of the major groups or will be shamed for “throwing away their vote” by being tarred and feathered on Wilson Quad.
The Election Race will host a great deal of challenges. The first challenge is your typical carnival event: an eating contest. Donald Trump has clearly warned us how people will be “eating the dogs and cats.” To support his argument and live by this new all-pet meat diet, students must eat 100 hot dogs made from cat meat or participate in a cooking
competition where they must prepare dishes made from cute dogs.
“If supporting Trump means going on an all-meat diet and dining exclusively on household pets, I’m more than willing to take on this challenge for the world,” a sophomore, who refused to be named, said. They refused to give their name to the student press despite posting their political beliefs daily on their Instagram highlights.
The second challenge will be a singing contest. Groups of students will attempt to sing the newest Harris/Walz campaign anthem, “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince” by Taylor Swift. Students will be required to sing this song as if they were Harris herself, including replicating all of Harris’ iconic debate facial expressions.
Next might be the simplest challenge known to humanity. As Trump’s new position as the “leader of fertilization,” participants must race to fertilize the lawns on campus with commercial fertilizer. Sustainability practices are exempt, so nitrogen runoff be darned!
Following the competition comes the even more exciting Election Race Afterparty. It will be hosted in the United States Capitol, featuring a dance party, cake (made with Democrat-blue blueberries, Republican-red cherries, and the key ingredient: JD Vance’s Diet Mountain Dew), and a firework show from Elon Musk’s SpaceX craft.
Be sure to attend this brand-new tradition and back your Presidential Candidates all while enjoying the thrill of competition.
