I’m beginning to have doubts about the curse of the clock tower. We’ve all heard the legend, usually on our first campus tour: “If you walk under the clock tower, you won’t graduate in four years.”

 It was my sophomore year — I was walking past Wilson Quad. I was on a collision course with the clock tower, with a plan to move away at the last minute. But then I felt a hand on my back, pushing me forward. I had a choice to make, and I regret to say I let my friend push me through the clock tower, rather than getting into a physical altercation on campus.

I lived in fear for months, knowing that there was no chance of me graduating on time. I considered doing a Take 5 so that my slow graduation could have something of worth, but life got in the way, and the application was never filled out.

Approaching the end of my senior year, I began to think that, against all odds, I’m going to graduate in May. I’m doing well in all of my classes and couldn’t fail unless I sleep through my finals. This brought me to consider that we may have been lied to about the curse this whole time.

After doing some cursory research (talking to random people on campus), it has come to my attention that this curse is not as ancient or terrifying as we may have assumed. I heard from some anonymous sources that this curse was actually invented within the last two decades to create some lore and mystery around this otherwise mundane campus. With that in mind, I think the campus needs some new curses.

 I’m therefore calling on all witches, warlocks, and alchemists to make some effort in manifesting and increasing the power of some of the following curses. If you need any bodily fluids, animal parts, or poultices to make these happen, I’d be happy to help you out.

The Curse of Freddy D’s hair:

Through the grapevine, I’ve heard the legend of a lock of hair that belongs to Frederick Douglass. This hair is supposedly safely sequestered in Rare Books and Special Collections (RBSCP). If any object on campus would be cursed, it would almost certainly be a piece of the body of a legendary man who did not choose to put himself on public display for the benefit of tour guides and students writing articles for the Campus Times. Gazing upon this hair can grant a medley of misfortunes, but among the most common is the insatiable desire to dye one’s own hair in an unfortunate hue. In dire cases, this curse has been known to cause shingles and severe internal bleeding.

Treating George Eastman like the good little boy he is:

Did you know that if you fail to kiss the George Eastman statue on the forehead each semester, you won’t be able to get above a 3.5 GPA? It’s true! This is less known, but there are also plenty of other actions that can be performed on his statue that grant positive accolades. I didn’t get on two eboards just by being a responsible and well-organized candidate. 

Dandelion’s Hex: 

This legend holds that if you cause a public disturbance on D Day — or walk around with open alcohol — Public Safety may be called to intervene. I don’t want to reveal too much, but I have some reason to believe some enterprising sorcerer on campus has already been radiating this one into existence. I personally feel a bit upset that this curse began before I was told about it, but at my hearing on Tuesday, I’m going to be arguing that I shouldn’t get in trouble for curses which were outside of my control.

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