Cult is admittedly a strong word, but these groups on campus bring the umph into cult. But the question has to be asked: which cult is the best? ? As I dive into these troubling waters and caves of secrets, please remember to tell my wives and kids I love them just in case I don’t come back. 

Student Association: You think they would have better things to do with their time instead of larping House of Cards. Yet as we, the student body, have sadly seen time and time again, they do not. 5/10 only-doing-it-for-their-law-school-applications boosters.

Football: What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room. Their drama is their own and good luck trying to get into their circle of trust. It is impressive the amount of confidence they hold when both Ultimate Frisbee and Quidditch are better than them. 3/8 Snitches.

ROTC: Basically football with guns. Points off for being unoriginal. Do better. 2/7 Eagles. 

Starbucks employees: ‘Nuff said. If you talk they’ll waterboard you in the sweet cream foam. I’ve already said too much. 4/10 frappuccinos ordered at 11 a.m.

Student Alumni Ambassadors: I get draining the alumni, but why hit the current seniors up for cash? Am I making a livable income I didn’t know about? Dark magic must be afoot. I’m impressed with the hustle from this mafia, and that they have student enforcers on the street. 5/6 $20 t-shirts that are actually worth $5. 

Physics: The cream of the crop. Do you ever see these elusive adherents on campus? No, because they hide in their ritual room, the POA (Physics, Optics, and Astronomy)Library. They must be brainwashed because how can someone love torture (aka the homework) that much? These people speak their own language and write in the secret texts (Latex). This cult is up there with such legends as Scientology. 10/10 apples falling out of a tree.

Tagged: cult yelp

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