No one had thought much of the strange rumblings from one of the Gold Line shuttles before it ran into some engine trouble last Thursday night. It started to shake and spark at the wheel, so the driver pulled to the side of the road and everyone hauled ass out of the shuttle. Passengers were shocked because out of anything they would have guessed to be haunted, it would have been Wilson Commons from the long-lost ghost of people caring about the Student Association. The bus continued to jump and started flashing, until it transformed into a weaponized mechatronic being.   

The bystanders turned to a red-headed passenger in shock. “Ms. Frizzle?” the bus driver whispered in awe,  to which the red-head replied, “What the….no! It’s a…” when she was promptly cut off by a passenger shouting, “Kim Possible?” In frustration, the red-head said “NO! The shuttle is a freaking Transformer!” The bus driver then explained, “Oh. I don’t really watch ‘Star Wars,’ I could never get into it.” 

Questions arose as to how no one knew that a Gold Line shuttle was actually a Transformer, until it was revealed that, yes, the Administration was well aware that the shuttle was a sentient robot being. The UR President’s Office released the statement below to clarify the University’s stance on the matter (for once): 

“The University of Rochester has been aware that the one of the shuttles our community takes is actually a weapon of mass destruction. Funny enough, we got the bus at a huge discount because it was pretty messed up, which must have been from battle damage, but that was unknown to us at the time. It’s kinda cool we got a busted-ass Bumblebee tbh. It’s also weird that we were able to figure out that it was a Transformer, because we didn’t have the usual visual cues of unnecessary Michael Bay explosions to give us the hint. Once we found out we had a Transformer, we of course decided to conduct research on it because having a Transformer would be a great way to boost application rates. If you’re wondering why tuition is 82k this year, most of it is going to the Transformer.” 

The “busted-ass Bumblebee” is not a Death Eater, but is actually an Avenger. I think that’s what the names of the two groups are, but I cannot remember a single detail from the Transformer movies. 

I was able to secure a rare interview  with busted-ass Bumblebee, and the first thing busted-ass Bumblebee told me was that his name is actually Tommy Turbo. I excitedly replied, “Awesome! Which color of Power Ranger are you?” Busted-ass Bumblebee seemed frustrated when he questioned what I was talking about, and for some reason I had to elaborate that I was talking about the Power Rangers Turbo team from 1997. Busted-ass Bumblebee started being a dick and yelled at me, “You  know the name of the fucking Power Ranger team from 1997, but can’t remember anything about Transformers?” 

I actually do know one thing, and it’s that Hailee Steinfeld starred in the “Bumblebee” movie in 2018 and it has a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes. After I said that, busted-ass Bumblebee flipped me off and knocked the coffee I had out of my hand, in true UR Gold line fuck you fashion. For all that money UR has spent on this trumped-up Rocky, they could have at least taught him some manners. 

Tagged: goldline shuttle


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