Science.
It’s the solution to everything, the word that defends every noble Facebook warrior, and the concept that is perhaps the most prone to causing unfathomable rage by existing.
One of the most hotly debated scientific concepts is Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. A lot of big words. A lot of angry humans. Or…advanced apes? That’s how this works, right?
More and more people have begun to accept Darwin’s Theory of Evolution as a valid scientific proposition instead of the Devil’s Manifesto. This accelerated acceptance might be attributable to higher levels of general education and the modern spread of information accessibility.
But I come to you today, dear readers, with what I unabashedly believe to be the biggest scientific revelation in the history of our species.
It’s all bullshit. All of it.
I have but one piece of evidence, and it’s damn good: those guys who wear shorts in sub-freezing temperatures. Allow the professional (me) to explain.
Surely everyone has witnessed this sensational natural phenomenon. You’re bundled up in a minimum of four layers, the wind is giving you levels of exfoliation your dermatologist could only dream of, and the only thing on your mind is “Was this trip to the pharmacy for mother’s life saving medication worth it? Was it? Really?” Oh, but then, barreling into your line of sight, comes a freak of nature himself.
Bright blue basketball shorts, that one freaking white v-neck T-shirt, and shoes that cost more than your college tuition. He crosses your path. The world screams cold, yet right now his ears are deafer than my iPhone tells me I will be if I turn my volume up just one more decibel.
This scenario is well-documented throughout modern history. Studies have been completed to predict the likelihood of a child growing into a part of this movement. Names like Chad, Brad, and Kyle were found to be early indicators of a child who would eventually stand in 20 degree weather insisting that it’s, like, not even that cold.
“Natural selection,” some cry. Sir, there is nothing natural about whatever possessed you to venture into this wintery hellscape in nothing but a sorry attempt to meet the requirements of those “no shoes, no shirt, no service” signs. We get it, you’re from Massachusetts.
With this evidence in tow, I ask you: If Darwin was such a big shot, how do you explain Brad, huh?
Readers, join me and my fellow Scientific Professionals™ as we attempt to unravel this scientific anomaly, and the implications it has for the future of our species.
Has Big Evolution lied to us? Is our population living under the guise of carefully-curated falsehoods? I don’t yet know, but I intend to uncover the truths of this deep, and no doubt conspiracy-theory-ridden, rabbit hole.
