A wave of violence has struck the first-year students of Genesee Hall. The perpetrators of these attacks are unknown, but their reasons have been made abundantly clear. Students residing on the Quad and in Sue B. feel animosity towards the residents who experience this well-located, state-of-the-art housing facility of Genesee. 

The attacks began before the start of classes, and have escalated in frequency, severity, and audacity. The first incident was reported to Public Safety Officer Georgie Dundun, who submitted this written report based on statements taken from two anonymous first-year girls:

“Victims were pelted with various rotten fruits and vegetables including tomatoes, zucchini, squash, pears, pineapples, and some particularly vile cubed cantaloupe.” (There is student speculation that the cantaloupe was obtained from Douglass Dining Center.) The report continues, saying, “The students were accosted as they walked from Genesee Hall to Susan B. Anthony Hall on their way to Danforth Dining Center. The produce was thrown from the open windows of a red Toyota Prius adorned with white racing stripes. The victims also reported hearing someone shout, ‘Sue B. in the house!’ as the vehicle escaped.” 

Since that first attack there have been several other incidents. One victim, first-year student Sean Park, has been brave enough to come forward and share his story. Park reported that he had been struck from behind with a mushy object that he speculates was an entire tube of toothpaste squeezed into a sock. 

“I didn’t see it coming,” Park said. “They just got me. I don’t even live in Genesee; I was just visiting a friend!” Thankfully, Park’s injuries are not critical, and he is expected to make a full recovery. Other students have not been so lucky. Attacks have involved students being pushed down stairs, the scattering of tacks on the ground outside of Genesse, and armed clowns chasing after students attempting to leave the hall.

Surprisingly, the administrators seem to be supporting the attackers. Dean of Students Matthew Burns publicly warned the entire freshman class about the risk of attacks during orientation, but in an interview his warnings sounded more like threats. 

“Those kids had it coming. We gave them air conditioning, a perfect view of Fauver Stadium, personal sinks. It makes sense that other students would be jealous and frankly, part of college is learning to protect yourself from all kinds of attacks as an adult. If kids come whining, the Office of the Dean of Students may have to actively and aggressively discourage complaints,” Burns said. 

Students are taking steps to protect themselves. First-year Joaquin Jones says he carries sand in his pocket to throw in the eyes of would-be attackers. Other students have taken precautions such as wearing football pads at all times, putting spikes on their leather jackets, and acquiring hand grenades.

It is unclear when, how, and if this escalation of violence will end, but hopefully the attacks come to an end before more limbs are lost.

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