This past Friday, students at the University experienced an event even more catastrophic than the storming of Normandy Beach—Dandelion Day. According to official analyses, 425,000 casualties and widespread destruction along the French coast pale in comparison to 2017’s D-Day.
Rochester’s History, Biology, Math, and Environmental Engineering departments have released a statement saying that D-Day 2017 was “a complete catastrophe that will live in infamy. An all-out beer blitzkrieg beyond comparison.”
A member of the Student Programming Board (SPB), who preferred to remain anonymous, recalled the events.
“The Wilson Quad was quiet until 8:00 a.m., and that’s when it happened. A distant rumble suddenly became an overwhelming earthquake when a barrage of students seized the quad.”
The SPB member described students as “belligerently fearless, with wide eyes and an insatiable desire to hold ducks at the petting zoo.”
He recounted the ferris wheel launching inebriated and flailing students into the sky.
The on-campus food trucks exacerbated the disaster.
“Students reached the Wilson Quad, already geared up for the onslaught of D-Day festivities. But when they spotted Abbott’s Frozen Custard, their most animalistic of instincts kicked in,” one official said.
“They voraciously grappled with each other in an all-out battle to get their hands on a chocolate-vanilla swirl. It was a true conflict between man and machine, student and custard truck.”
That official, who is familiar with the internal planning of D-Day, added that next year’s Abbott’s truck will be replaced with Chipotle.
“If we can’t stop the destruction, we can at least add guacamole to it,” they said.
Environmental engineers from UR examined the site and surveyed the damage. On the Wilson Quad, one professor stopped at a smashed Genesee can on the ground.
“When an explosion happens in a battlefield, that’s the end. There’s no evidence, just dust and scorch marks, maybe a stray limb. What happened yesterday is different,” he said, picking up the can. “This here is tangible evidence of the mass, unmatched destruction of a UR D-Day.”
He also pointed out the multiple pools of vomit on the quad.
“When you’re dead from war that’s it. But when you’re hungover, that’s when you wish you were dead. We would’ve been lucky if this was Normandy.”
“Dude, this year was sick. That’s insane!” said sophomore Timothy Tandoreau when informed of the University’s official conclusions. “I can only hope next year outdoes the Battle of the Somme.”
