Climate change has me worried about my personal impact on the environment. I try to do what I can, but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. What are some ways I can be more eco-friendly?
Okay, Dan. Normally, I wouldn’t reply to the same person two weeks in a row, but you’re the only one sending me questions, so I guess I don’t have a choice.
So you want to know how to be more eco-friendly. Okay, seems easy enough. But you know what’s easier: doing nothing. Two important things to remember about climate change are that it’s not your fault and that there’s nothing you can do to help.
Just as it could in the past, contemporary global warming can be explained by large-scale changes in our environment. For one, there are the rising sea levels worldwide. Statistical analysis shows a strong correlation between this trend and rising yearly temperatures. The connection is obvious, but I’ll spell it out. As the amount of water increases yearly, so, too, does the number of boats. These, as we all know, run on coal, which releases harmful CO2 into the atmosphere upon combustion.
Another possible cause would be the recent decline in Antarctic penguin populations. With this one, the connection is even clearer. As more and more penguins die, animal heaven becomes increasingly crowded. As we all know, PV = nRT. In other words, crowded things are hotter than less crowded things, and I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch to suggest that some of the resulting excess heat from animal heaven is somehow “leaking” into our world. These are the kind of self-evident truths your corporate overlords don’t want you to hear, Dan.
Of all the possible causes of climate change, one sticks out to me as both under-discussed and largely misunderstood: the international refugee crisis. As more and more people flee from drought- and war-stricken nations such as Syria, Afghanistan, and Somalia, the European countries that they flee to become, as we say in America, “melting pots.” Earth hears this, and since it knows that things have to be hot in order to melt, it decides to get hotter. You don’t have to be a scientist to make these sorts of connections.
You see, Dan, climate change is perfectly natural. It’s driven entirely by changes that would have happened on their own, regardless of human interference. We have no reason to feel responsible for this disaster. Since I have to end this with a piece of advice, I’ll say this: try blaming it on immigrants. It’ll make you feel a lot better.