The beauty of the modern era is just how convenient it is to live in. Lazy people—myself included—can thrive with the multitude of apps available at our fingertips. The University, surely to encourage the laziness of its students, has apps like TransLoc and Laundry Alert, so you’re able to find out if a trip to the laundry room is worth walking down those two flights of stairs.

These are great and all, but we are a long way from maximum convenience. This is why I’m proposing a new series of apps that could be useful for campus life. Listen up, app developers. You may just find your next million-dollar idea. You’re welcome.

First, I suggest that we improve upon an already-existing app to create Laundry Alert PLUS.

Sure, it’s great to know which machines are being used, but they have not taken into account the people who leave their laundry in, on, or around the machines, forming an impressive mountain of abandoned clothing. I’m just saying, it would be nice to have an app to warn you about the state of disarray the laundry room is in before you get there so you at least have a chance to brace yourself.

Now, let’s focus on the dining hall. All too often, I find myself in Douglass Dining Center, ready to enjoy some delicious cuisine, and not a single fork is in sight.

I race from station to station, scanning the counters until I’m finally able to find the precious utensil, but this is far more effort than it should be to find a piece of silverware.

This is why I suggest we put tracking devices on every single fork and create the app ForkDetector. Douglass is filled with enough disappointments. Don’t make a fork shortage one of them.

In a similar vein, MilkMonitor would be an app that notifies you when the milk machine has run empty, because there is nothing more disappointing than grabbing a bowl of cereal and coming to the soul crushing realization that you’re going to have to eat it dry.

After finishing your meal, complete with all the forks and proper bowls of Lucky Charms that your heart desires, you may want to get some studying done in the library.

This would be the perfect time to whip out the app ChairDetectUR. The observant reader will notice that this app, as an added bonus, features a nifty little play on words. But its function would be even more impressive.

If you’re like me, you develop an attachment to a favorite study spot, and if you find someone has gotten there first, you’re left reeling. I haven’t gotten all the details figured out, but perhaps through some sort of butt-detection technology, ChairDetectUR can tell us if our favorite chair in the library is being used, giving us the chance to prepare accordingly.

Finally, the app that can provide the most interesting information.

Imagine it’s 7 a.m. You’re walking to an exam, and then, like a beacon in the darkness, you see a dog being walked on campus. It’s happily trotting along, blissfully unaware of your plight as a college student. It is an immediate way to raise your spirits. This is why we need a DogAlert app, to notify us when an adorable dog is moving across campus or playing frisbee on the quad, something that is no less than essential to my well being.

So there you are, app companies. A couple of ingenious ideas, free of charge. Just make it happen, so I can finally figure out where all the goddamn forks in Douglass went.

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