Look, sometimes things change and there isn’t anything you can do about it. It’s a scary, confusing world—your familiar landmark on Friday afternoon could be gone like the wind by Saturday night. Heraclitus said, “You could not step twice into the same haircut, for the hair is ever growing.”
Or something like that.
Anyway, life is full of change. You waltz into the Pit one day with your taste buds all set for a scrumptious helping of mac & cheese. Psych! You’re getting mac & cheese “soup” instead, sucker! You stroll into Rush Rhees, anticipating a productive study session at your favorite sturdy oak tables. Punk’d! They’re gone, replaced by wobbly Carlson tables. And then you go to a student government meeting, and you scan the room for your Students’ Association President. But wait—he’s not there! In his place is some klutz with a corporate coif hairdo. Where are the cherished, wavy locks of your beloved President?
Wait a minute…
Life is full of changes. Current SA President and retired Carly Rae Jepsen impersonator Grant Dever has cut his hair.
In what witnesses called “a fit of pique,” Dever marched down to the hair salon on Saturday and exchanged his flowing mane for an only slightly less flowing mop.
“It just got to be too much,” Dever said. “I finally had to get rid of the long hair. Luckily, my friends caught me on my way out the door and told me there are people who’ll cut it for you. Whole companies, even! There’s Mane Attraction, Great Clips, Supercuts, Pal Joey’s …”
Ten minutes later, Dever had finished listing hair salons and barber shops and was able to continue with his story.
“Previously, I had tried all kinds of ways of cutting my hair,” he continued. “Grabbing it and just yanking it out of my head is kind of painful, and I don’t look so great bald. Once I burnt it off, but that just smelled really, really bad, so I don’t do that anymore. A couple times I even tried visiting the petting zoo and letting the goats eat my hair, but that came out really uneven, and it’s honestly not a great system.”
Do goats not like eating hair, we asked?
“They liked it too much. It was kind of weird.”
“Anyway,” Dever continued, “I used to grow my hair long because it was such a hassle to cut it. But this new way is great! You sit in a chair and the barber just takes out a pair of scissors and goes to work. So much easier than my other methods, and it looks better, too!”
Dever seemed to be happy with his haircut. He also appeared to have gained several inches in height after the surgery.
“Maybe my posture is better? It was really weighing me down,” he explained.
Will other members of the student body be influenced by Dever’s drastic choice? Perhaps some already have. A certain Campus Times editor recently abandoned his attempt at a Dever-esqe ‘do. Likewise, Dever’s colleague Ethan Bidna appeared to have gotten a haircut of his own … maybe? It was a little hard to tell.
Some students are still adjusting to the absence of Dever’s trademark man-bun, and the situation will certainly take some getting used to. Luckily, though, there are lots of other campus landmarks—the Dandelion Square clock tower, the dome of Rush Rhees—that are a little harder to chop down.
Finally, the biggest question of all: what happened to the hair after it was cut off? Some students speculated that the discarded tresses had flapped their split ends and flown away to roost. Others insisted the hair had been borne away to Avalon and would return in England’s time of greatest need. Still others whispered that the hair had been interred in a secret compartment on campus, along with Martin Brewer Anderson’s beard, Susan B. Anthony’s bun, and Cornelis deKiewiet’s eyebrows.
“Actually, I kept the hair,” Dever said. “Maybe I’ll make it into a wig and give it to someone less fortunate.”
In other news, UR President Joel Seligman was last seen walking on the Quad with a full head of thick, wavy hair. Seligman’s office could not be reached for comment.