Have you ever wanted to get a coffee in the morning without having to wait in a line that queues all the way to the Genesee River? Me neither. You may be thinking at this point, “Oh yeah. I remember having to wait outside Starbucks yesterday morning when the line was not quite to the Genesee, but at least to Gilbert Hall.” This is what happens when we have Starbucks as one of the main coffee shops on campus.

Imagine a world where your name is Jake. Jake is waiting in line for a cup of coffee. Oh, wait, not a coffee, I meant to say a Venti Half-Soy Decaf Crappucino. Without derailing this hypothetical situation too much, we will say that Jake orders his drink and begins to wait for it by the place with all of the special toppings like chocolate, vanilla, sugar and other things that lead to life-threatening health risks. Finally, your name is called. You can now enjoy the drink that you’ve been eagerly waiting for. However, you catch something in the corner of your eye. You start to see movement in the crowd of people huddled around the pick-up counter. It’s Jake  pinoli.

You didn’t think you would see him here. You haven’t seen him since your last awkward conversation during freshman orientation. You think to yourself, “What is Jake Spinoli doing here and why did he order such an elaborate drink? Oh, wait, that’s my drink, not his…”

You start to quickly walk toward the pick-up counter, now with a new sense of determination. As you make your way to the counter toward your drink, someone else comes out of the ether. It’s Jake O’Hara.

Why are there so many Jakes at Starbucks today? Is it that Jake is a popular name or that Jakes identify with Starbucks more than other people? Anyways, you see Jake O’Hara make his way toward the pick-up counter. He has the same determination in his eyes, ready to pick up the drink that has his name on it. Although, you’re pretty sure that wasn’t his drink. Jake O’Hara is a simple man and doesn’t usually dabble in such complex things. He just wants the drink because he has probably been waiting in the line and for it for a long time. He is booking it for the pick-up counter.

You, Jake Spinoli and Jake O’Hara make it to the counter at the same time. Tempers are flaring, and intensity is at an all-time high. You know that the drink at the pick-up counter is yours and not the other Jakes’. As you’re arguing which Jake the drink belongs to, a woman walks up to the pick-up counter with a perturbed look on her face. “Did you say Jake or Jade?” inquired the woman. “I called out Jake…what was your order?” replied the Starbucks employee. “I ordered a Venti Half-Soy Decaf Crappucino” Jade cajoled. “Oh, it seems I have made a mistake. This order was meant for Jade, not Jake.”

We three Jakes were displeased with this outcome. After the tensions subsided, another Starbucks employee interjects. “Jake! Your order is ready!” Before any of the Jakes could react, Jake Shapiro ran up to the counter, snatched his drink and ran off. Dammit Jake Shapiro.

Chiodo is a member of the class of 2017.


Climate catastrophe? No, says University professor

A GIF of the Wicked Witch of the West from “The Wizard of Oz” saying “I’ll get you, my pretty,…

No more pink soap: Why the University’s decision to implement fragrance-free soap is a move in the right direction

The ubiquitous pink soap in University bathrooms are gone, replaced with Purell “Fragrance-Free” dispensers. Why the change?

UR protests aren’t a threat to Jews

Outside of a temple or family gathering, I feel safest as a Jew at UR, and this has not changed with the protests on campus.