A box found on the mantle in a recent estate sale of the newly-deceased, long-lost grandchild of Erwin Schrodinger was recently put up for auction. Knowing the potential significance, a world renowned physicist—who has preferred to remain anonymous due to safety after potential death threats from animal rights activists—chose to purchase the item.
The box contained the remains of a cat which had been pronounced dead Tuesday evening. It has been concluded that the cat once belonged to Nobel Prize winner Erwin Schrodinger.
In response to the half-death of the cat, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) released a statement regarding its opinion on the topic, stating that “we at PETA are absolutely outraged at the animal cruelty shown by [Name Retracted],” “It is so sad to see the life of an animal cut short by science. We will see to it that justice is brought forth to [Name Retracted].”
The New York’s Office State Attorney commented, “It is heartbreaking to see this feline pass away from unnatural causes. The international impact that this cat had is hard to express in words. With that in mind, we will seek retribution. By my math, if cats have nine lives, he had at least two of those left. Additionally, this will not be the first trial I have won with a ‘curiosity-killed-the-cat’ as the cause of death. Additionally, there was a 50 percent chance that it had been dead prior to the opening of the box. My team and I will look into how the statute of limitations applies to cat murder. Either way, someone will not claw their way out of this one.”
The physicist is currently frustrated that everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that the cat was originally poisoned. He is currently searching for veterinary experts to testify that it is impossible for a cat to live to 100 in a box without food; he has yet to be successful. It is suspected that he will be represented legally by the same attorney who defended Michael Vick in 2007.
Kuhrt is a member of the class of 2017.
