On Monday morning, UR freshman Chandler Ross ordered a Ham and Cheese Square from the on-campus Starbucks just before running to his 9:40am computer science class. Sources say Ross did indeed eat the repulsive breakfast item, but not before painstakingly cutting it into bite-sized squares, thus cutting a precious ten minutes out of his morning rush. UR Security is investigating the situation.
“The Ham and Cheese Square is the essence of grotesque,” said Melanie Ora, herself an employee at the on-campus Starbucks. “Just, no. I’m not about that life.” In a random survey of the UR student body, words used to describe the Ham and Cheese Square included “vile,” “repugnant,” “foul” and “frightful.”
“It’s pretty much a thesaurus of the word ‘disgusting’ in food form,” added Ora.
Friends of Ross reached out to UR’s extensive network of student health initiatives when they saw Ross enter his downward spiral. Dr. Gary Summers, campus psychologist offered his input on the situation.
“We question the mental stability of anyone who would deliberately order a Ham and Cheese Square. I mean, they don’t look that bad in the picture, but who really trusts the picture? And that smell – it’s so noxious it would make anyone half-sane recoil. On the behalf of the CARE network, we’d like to emphasize that UR is here to help Ross – there is a better path for him and we intend to show him that path.”
Inside sources say Ross was also seen ordering a taco bowl at The Pit’s “Zoca” Mexican food station. “He really likes the ranch guacamole,” said Ora.
Howard is a member of
the class of 2017.
