The Robert B. Goergen Athletic Center is an important part of plenty of students’ college life. But when I think of the gym, I roll over and go back to sleep. There is no need for lifting in my life.

For one, my laptop is already several pounds heavy, and I have to carry that thing from my room to the lounge everyday. That’s like a minute of cardio and weight lifting at the minimum. If my computer runs out of power, that’s another minute, and pretty soon, I’m beating out all those suckers doing bench presses ad infinitum.

Also think about all the stress lifting weights puts on your body. I’m clearly much safer popping pretzels on my bed then laying under hundreds of pounds of iron.

The one time I did head to the gym for a crucial intermural dodgeball game I ended up getting lost. I found myself an hour later found in Douglass with a few empty plates and a full stomach.

This is not an attack on people who do use that rowing machine or the stepmaster. It’s more of an appeal to those of us who would rather spend their time with a bowl of popcorn and “Breaking Bad.” As for athletic competition, I can get all the sports I need from the Tiernan lounge. Football? We got Bills and wings. Hockey? Sabers and pizza. Golf? Well, that’s not really a sport anyway.

To be fair, I’m sure the gym is a great place, and I could write plenty more, but right now I just finished a sandwich and could really use a nap. So piss off.

Altabet is a member of the class of 2017.

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