I am going to give in to biology and get fat. I am going to learn from the bear, the hippo and the manatee and get fat in order to stay warm this winter. To prepare for swimming in cold waters, the manatee gains weight in order to increase the thickness of its blubber. There’s so much to learn from these brilliant, yet blubbery beauties. Their extra layer of fat keeps the manatee from getting cold and freezing to death. The manatee will furiously consume for months beforehand just to prepare for the cold. We’ve learned so much already! So useful too! I shall use my manatee blubber to keep me insulated. I am going to mimic the survival tactics of the elegant sea cow and thicken up.
So I follow in the footsteps of the manatee, preparing for the cold by gorging myself on discounted Common Market treats. Blubber is the trendiest new accessory. No more restricting scarves, no more pretending to listen to music just so I can wear headphones to keep my ears warm, no more hat hair, and no more searching for sales on a J.Crew alpaca wool sweater. This winter is about me and my love handles. I need the insulation. Pack on those pounds, and you will never fear the Rochester winter again.
Now, I know some people may say “Oh Weinberg, you’re just too lazy to go to the gym.” And to those people I say…
Yes.
But gaining weight is also more effort than one would think.
Good ways to pack on fat include: filling your environmentally friendly clamshell (#SaveTheManatees) with Danforth chocolate chip cookies, serving yourself a mountain of fries from Douglass, exclusively eating Panda Express at the Pit, and most importantly ordering Zonies on both Friday and Saturday nights. Take a lesson from the manatee, I’m an English major and I can even keep up with these biological facts (that I made up). I urge you to stop spending money on fancy coats or winter boots and instead focus your time on thunder thighs and neck rolls. Winter 2013, I am ready for you.
Weinberg is a member of the class of 2015.
