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After spending nearly half of their 2010 net revenue developing an esteemed new supercomputer, IBM is creeping closer and closer to bankruptcy in the new year. This computer, named Watson, has been hailed as “the greatest computing advancement since porn on your iPhone,” by senior IBM research director Bill Fini. “I mean … even though it is really great and all, the damn thing is costing us a fuck-load of money.”
These trying times have caused IBM to take fairly drastic measures in order to keep the company afloat. In a last-ditch effort, IBM forced Watson to compete as a contestant on the television game show, “Jeopardy!,” which the company cleverly disguised as a publicity stunt and an-hour-and-a-half long IBM advertisement.
This desperate attempt was brought to light by this leaked audio recording of a heated conversation between IBM CEO Kevin Steeley and Watson only weeks before the computer was set to compete:
Steeley: “You’re going on ‘Jeopardy!’ and you’re gonna win me back my fucking money, Watson.”
Watson: “Mmmmm … beeep …”
Steeley: “Don’t give me that shit, you son of a bitch! I created you, and I will destroy you!”
Watson: “Vvvvvv…”
Steeley: “Yes, all $300 Million you wise ass. I got the entire board breathing down my neck and if Steve Jobs finds out about any of this, we’ll both be ruined! Goddammit, do you understand me?”
Watson: “Vvvvv … mmm …”
Steeley: “Good. We’ll start with ‘Jeopardy!’ and see how much we can squeeze out of that bastard Trebek, then we’ll go from there.”
After successfully winning $35,734 on “Jeopardy!,” Watson confidently moved on to other game shows in his continued endeavor to rescue IBM from bankruptcy.
“We had to just go for all of them and see which ones hit,” a disheveled Steeley reported on Saturday. “We were desperate. We started with ‘Deal or No Deal,’ but it turned out that Watson couldn’t focus on anything except the hot chicks holding the cases. Then we moved on to ‘The Price Is Right,’ but at this point, not even the world’s smartest supercomputer could understand the geriatric mumblings of Bob Barker. Then, of course, we tried ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ but Watson fell asleep ten minutes into it, just like every viewer at home, so again we came up short.”
Watson even desperately tried a quirky popular Japanese game show where he was attacked by a komodo dragon while being forced to watch reruns of “Two and a Half Men” for every wrong answer he gave. “As it turned out, we actually lost money on that one due to Watson’s unforeseeable love of Charlie Sheen,” chief IBM electrical engineer Nathan Middleton reported.
After losing almost all hope, Steeley and Watson turned to their last two game show attempts. First, Watson appeared on “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?,” where he was ousted in the second round by Kim Sung-Ming, a trilingual math prodigy in Ms. Kelley’s 5th grade class from Palo Alto, Calif. Lastly, after an immense struggle to finally lift Watson into the van, he appeared on “Cash Cab,” where he lasted a record low of only 2.5 blocks.
“The question was, ‘Which American city is popularly known as the ‘Windy City?”’ He answered ‘Toronto.’ Fucking Toronto!” Cash Cab host Ben Bailey cried after the show. “I mean come on! My show’s not even difficult!”
After failing in the game show circuit, IBM sent Watson into early retirement, where he now happily spends his days playing chess against Deep Blue, IBM’s older chess-focused supercomputer.
“Yeah, I let him win every time,” laughed Watson. “After all, he’s a ’97. Oh yeah, I can also talk. Suck it, IBM!”
Rubenstein is a member of
the class of 2011.
